What I Really Want for Our Marriage

Sometimes it seems that all days are long. I sit feeding the baby before putting him in bed, letting the book close in my lap, while Curious George plays in the kitchen where the older boys eat a snack. His strong legs lift the ottoman off the rug and run the vacuum across it.

Not because I asked. Because it needed vacuumed.

He sacrifices his time and resources for our well-being. He works his days because he loves it and to keep us in this home where we play and learn. He rarely asks for anything- occasionally some new sunglasses to put around his shaved head or a sandwich when he comes home for lunch.

He's mine. I said "yes" the day he asked me to marry him. That day when we were still teenagers and only knew we wanted to do life together. I was barely out of my teens the day we said "I do" in a simple ceremony in December.

We moved easily into life together. Homework because I was still in school, dinners that we cooked together in our tiny apartment where we didn't have curtains. We watched movies on the air mattress in front of the TV on Friday nights and slept until 11 the next morning in the cozy bed that had been handed down for generations.

We disagreed. We still do. Two different people moving together through life are bound to. But I went into each day with him with one resolve- to give him more.

More grace when he messes up. More benefit of the doubt when I feel offended. More respect than I give to another. He's been the best of things to me and I want to give him my best. 

It's easiest to give him my worst.

To save the soft answers for the woman at church that hurts my feelings. To keep the patience for the children on a good day or for the slow, grumbling cashier at the store. To consider the emotions of a stranger that cares nothing for me while making assumptions about his intentions. 

I want to save my best for him. I want to nurture a love that's holding hands walking into the restaurant or the hospital, into riches or want. I want to give more to this one whose story is intertwined with mine and not to others who only play a secondary role. 

Because one motivation is out of love and the other is to be impressive. He knows me too well to be impressed; he sees my best and my worst. I can think that those who don't know me well are impressed with me. Maybe they are sometimes. 

The impressions are fake. They don't see me when I'm tired and the kids have been up all night and I've not had any coffee. They don't see me roll my eyes or raise my voice or apologize for sarcastic answers. 

He does. He chooses me anyway. 

And every morning I choose him. 

How To Be a Better Wife

One of my deepest fears is that my husband or one of my boys will die. I doubt I'm alone in that. To love is to be vulnerable. And not just vulnerable to the loss of that person but also to their actions. You cannot experience the benefits of love without the vulnerability that it demands. 

Marriage is a deep commitment. It's a bond that strengthens and develops (at least with two people who are seeking to serve Jesus) over time. My husband is my best friend. He is my favorite person and I love to have him around. But we're not just husband and wife. First we are Christians and knowing that changes my marriage. 

Marriage isn't eternal even though it's supposed to be to the death. (Matthew 22:30) My husband could die. (Perish the thought as he was in the air when I wrote this.) My husband could walk away from Jesus and our family. I can't imagine the totally separate and terrible pain of those but it wouldn't be the end.

Being a wife is a role that God has given me; it's designed into this life that I live now. But it's not who I am. I am a daughter of God.

This husband is not just mine. He belongs to God first and I am here to help him. I am here to cheer him on and I have to release him to do his work. Sometimes it means he's not home as much as I would like. My attitude makes a big difference with his traveling and his work and his work at church. I can make him miserable or I can send him on to do God's work for him regardless of the cost to me. (My husband prioritizes our family well but this is still a fact of life.) 

I do not expect my husband to make me happy. That is not his job. He is as incapable of making me happy as I am incapable of making him happy. That is between my heart and God. I must go to God for many things that it would easier to expect of my husband. Easier for me to expect but impossible for him to perform. 

I don't get my worth from my husband. My husband thinks well of me; he believes in my talents and abilities. But if he were to walk away from our marriage and tell me that I was worthless and ugly and useless it wouldn't make those things true. Nothing would have changed. Yes, those words would hurt my heart but they would not be true. My worth comes from what God says about me and He says that Jesus went to the cross for me. That's all I need to know. 

That means I can free my husband from the responsibility of making me feel valuable or important. He doesn't have to make me happy. I can get all of that from God and be free to give myself to him and this marriage and our family.

Because he's not just mine and I'm not just a wife. There is a fine line between prioritizing my husband as my most important person and expecting him to be my everything. Knowing that makes me a better wife. 

The Evening Dance

Every night my husband and I practice a dance. It's not ballroom dance or anything so elegant as that. It's the dance of getting our children in bed and our nightly ritual started. It's the dance where we sway back and forth, one doing this task and the other the next. The dance where sometimes we both try to lead at the same time and someone gets their toes stepped on. It's a dance that we seem to get better at over the years although from day to day it seems we are just muddling through. We learn by repetition. Doing the same thing over and over every single night. Tucking our babies in safe and protected and loved seems to be a routine that teaches us as much as it means to them. 

We're both tired by then. Me from working with them and the house and anything else all day and him from work and transitioning home. Children are amazingly exhausting. Some days bedtime can't come soon enough and other days we put it off drinking in the joy that small children can exhibit over the smallest thing. 

The best part of the dance comes when we hit our groove. When we each give all instead of holding back because we're tired and we've done it before a million times. The best part is when we both help the other person even if it's the things we prefer not to do. We dance this beautiful routine that others might never notice, not to impress but to serve. The dance of sacrifice, of dying to self. The dance that does all the work some nights because he's still at work or I'm sick. The dance that reminds the partner at home that someone is missing. It's a repeat of all that marriage means in just a brief half hour. 

It's the repeat: the daily done over and over in small ways, in consecrated ways. It's the touch of the hand to the back when you squeeze by each other in the bathroom. It's the question of what they've read that day that they want to discuss and then the eye roll because no one can actually hear over the water and the play and the childish conversations carried on at full volume. It's the promise of being alone in just a few minutes in peace and quiet. It's the prayer for patience for yourself and the other for the time needed to put them in bed. 

Jesus is in this dance, this daily melding of a marriage. It takes more than our hearts contain to learn these steps. This making of two souls into one seems best formed when doing the repeated work. Dates and trips and getaways are nice but they can't sustain the weight of life. Only the giving of self to another in the moments of work and frustration can do that. The moments of not repeating the petty annoyances because it will only burden the other person. The moments of seeing the need and filling it even though you would rather be served. 

That dance builds a marriage, little by little, every day.  We get to practice it every night. 

Mind and Marriage

Sometimes thoughts pop into my mind and I let them slide away instead of grabbing onto them. One of the most noticeable one for me is the "what if Micah didn't have IVA? What if I could just feed him pizza when Justin's office goes to Pizza Hut for a birthday lunch? What if we could all grab an ice cream cone on the way home from church? Imagine if he could just eat the chicken nuggets!" That's the most thinking that I've ever done along that line because it does no good. All the thinking, wishing, hoping in the world won't change the fact that Micah has IVA. Why torture myself by even considering it? 

Now I don't expect that your five-year-old has IVA but don't write me off yet. Maybe you are considering what life would be like if you had married someone else. If you weren't attached to this person that shares your home.  If you had married someone who was your soulmate. Maybe you're not so sure about your choice anymore. Now unlike Micah's IVA you could change this but you shouldn't. 

The problems in your marriage are at least partly settled in you. If you leave this spouse and go on to another one you take all of those problems with you; you won't have solved anything. A different man might not have the same problems your husband does but he will have problems. He might not be any easier to live with. You can't know. 

You don't want to do that because God says not to. (Obviously I'm not talking about abuse or rampant, unrepented infidelity.) God commands that marriages are for a lifetime; He joined you together (Mark 10:7-9). You are in direct disobedience to God when you seek that route for something easier. Do the work where you are. 

Maybe you didn't marry your soulmate. Maybe none of us did. Can you find that topic in the Bible? I think our culture made it up because we love fairy tales. Maybe you think did marry your soulmate but your soulmate is still an imperfect person just like you are. Forget the soulmate nonsense. (I'm such a romantic, aren't I?)

Look at the person you married. That is your man. That is God's will for your life even if it wasn't the choice you should have made at the time. You can't go back and fix that but you can choose what you do now. Look at that man and choose him. Choose him with his problems. Choose him with those annoying habits. Choose to love him. Choose to accept him. 

When those thoughts come up that you should have married someone else, let them glance off your mind and go right on. Remind yourself (yes, I'm saying talk back to yourself. You know you're crazy already) that it's not true. You are where God wants you. God is doing something in your life and in your husband's life. Remind yourself that another person would not solve the problems but only create new ones. 

You can't control what thoughts pop up but you can control what you do with them. You don't have to constantly fantasize about being with someone else. You don't have to admire what other members of the opposite sex look like or what house you could live in. That brain is yours. You be in charge of it. 

Six Heart Problems Exposed by Marriage

My husband and I married young. I was 20, days away from turning 21, and Justin was 21. I still had a year of college left and my husband started work at his first post-college job four days after our wedding. The adjustment to marriage was overall a small one for us but there were sticky heart issues that I needed to face.

Friends, today I am also guest posting about marriage at Phylicia Delta! Head on over to read more!

A Letter to My Boys about Love

Dear Boys,

With all the media hubbub circulating I've read some about 50 Shades of Grey. I haven't watched the movie or read the book and I never plan to. I hope you never do either. However the chance that you'll make it adulthood without some kind of exposure to that or something just as vile seems small. So I want to tell you a few things.

A real man never takes advantage of a woman. (And vice versa too.) Your strength is to help, not hurt, others. Your manliness is a gift from God to benefit others, never mind what people say about it. Being a man is good and real and important. When you meet the woman you love woo her. Marry her. Protect her. Make her safe in your love and in your presence.

Love sacrifices itself, not the other person. Love doesn't demand the other person submit to claims that harm her soul and her body. Love doesn't settle for sex that only fulfills one person or drags the other person to the pit of something that feels- something that is- unclean.

Words matter in love. It's not enough to keeps your hands from violence and her body be safe. Keep your words from violence and let her soul be safe. Love isn't safe; it's scary. But scary for you, not for her. Love is scary for you because you are responsible, because you could lose her. Love should not be scary for her because you might hurt her.

You gain nothing by making her feel small. Build her up. Encourage her. Believe in her. If you can't do those things, don't marry her. Don't ask her to entrust her future to a man who can't see the gift that she is. At the same time, choose carefully. It's your future too.

You are her protector. You defend her from the world. You defend her from evil. You certainly make sure that evil toward her never comes from yourself.

I have never once worried that your father was going to hurt me or make demands that broke me. My love is safe with him. He would lay down his life for me and we both spend our lives, every day, for one another.  Be a safe place. Even when being a strong, steady man doesn't seem flashy- when it doesn't impress others- don't change. Those people aren't worth impressing and you will destroy your own self in the attempt.

Real love may never make the movies. It may not gain thousands of followers or fans. It will never be a life in the lights. Real love is lived out in the daily work of building a marriage and a family. Of becoming two people who are better together than they are alone.

Any of us can become something ugly. Any of us can step aside from the life God has called us to and become like the slime of the world. But you don't have to. Stay close to Jesus. Follow your daddy's example.

I love you.

Mom

So This Is Love: 7 Years!

My two oldest boys love to watch "The Mice." This really means Cinderella and I'm milking it for all it's worth because I don't have anyone to watch princess movies with so far. And I enjoy princess movies every now and then. Tangled is one of my favorite princess movies ever! Now to just get someone to watch musicals with me... 

Back to the movie. When Cinderella and the prince are at the ball they sing "So This Is Love" and waltz around a beautiful garden under a sky filled with stars. 

So this is love, 

So this is love

So this is what makes life divine

I'm all aglow, 

And now I know

The key to all heaven is mine

My heart has wings, 

And I can fly

I'll touch ev'ry star in the sky

So this is the miracle that I've been dreaming of

So this is love

It's a beautiful song; those Disney songwriters are amazing. But it's not the truth. That is not love. Love isn't the beautiful dress with high heels and a uniform dancing in moonlit perfection. Love isn't a memorable date or abundant money or tropical vacations. Love may include those things but they aren't love. 

Justin and I are celebrating our seventh anniversary today. And if love were moonlight and fancy clothes and ease we wouldn't be so in love anymore. 

Love is the promise to stand by each other and do each other good for the rest of your life, come what may. Love is the days that turn into years that include dreams come true and nightmares you never imagined. Love is looking at the doctor and knowing the news is going to be bad. Love is holding hands and hanging on when what you really want to do is run somewhere far away. Love is approving medical procedures, paying bills with money you don't have, and hoping for the best. 

Love is working and squeezing in quality time instead of just sitting in front of the tv. Love is budgeting the money and sharing holidays and traditions. Love is going on dates and discussing the future. Love is serving in church together, staying home with sick kids, and pushing each other toward Jesus. 

Love is beach vacations, late night talks, and breakfast in bed. Love is cookies- just because, someone's favorite meal, clean clothes in the drawers. Love is going to work day in and day out so there's money in the bank. Love is the flu and lots of chicken soup and ginger ale. 

Love is forgiving. Love is overlooking the offense instead of taking offense. Love is trying again in the morning. Love is going the extra mile when you didn't want to go the first one. Love is anniversaries, birthdays, holidays. Love is the everyday: dishes and bills and laundry over and over. 

Love is children. Love is being up all night and smiling at each other in the morning. Love is sharing burdens and ideas about these little ones you are responsible for. Love is changing your ideas about a peaceful family dinner and enjoying the chaos. Love is early mornings instead of sleeping in. 

Love is work and school and dreams you didn't know you had. Love is supporting each other in those things and wanting the best for the other. Love is homework and lesson plans and going back to work at midnight. Love is another night alone with kids after you've been alone with them all day. 

Love is a choice, a decision you make every day when you get out of bed. Love is saying "yes" every day not just once. Love is praying for that person and then getting out of the way to let God work. 

Love looks different in every story because every story is different. But love is more than pretty. Love is more than easy. Here love is seven years of marriage, three boys, and a metabolic disorder.

Love is beautiful and I'd do it all again. 

All the Days of Her Life

The Christian life is very exciting when you are spending time with God and trying to serve Him. One of my favorite things is how alive the Bible is! You can read the same passage over and over and get something totally different from it every single time. 

I love Proverbs 31. I've studied it, memorized it, and I'm attempting to apply the principles to my life. (Side note: I don't think you have to do all of those things in one day and I'll probably  never make a girdle.) It's one of my favorite passages to go to when I'm studying womanhood. 

Verse twelve has some interesting marriage advice. It says, "She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life." Before I had only considered that verse in the context of a lifetime commitment. ALL the days of her life or until someone dies. But this time I saw it in the context of all the days. Each and every day: today, tomorrow, the next day. It's not enough to say that I'm committed to my husband for life; I want to do him good today. 

Something over a lifetime isn't always very practical. What's practical is the nitty-gritty, "this is what I'm doing today" work that's really pretty routine. Routine work done consistently adds up to a lifetime of accomplishment in that area. Consistently doing my husband good every day will add up to all the day of my life. 

It's easy to get caught up in teaching the boys because it's such a big job. It's easy to focus on getting the rest of my work done because it's more urgent and noticeable. You try not cooking dinner and see if you can slip that by. (If it works let me know how you did it!) But focusing on my marriage can seem less necessary. After all, we're both adults, right? That may be true but our marriage is worth the effort and needs the effort to stay the wonderful thing that it is. So what can I do today to do my husband good? 

I plan on asking myself this question every day "all the days of my life." 

Living to Bless Instead of Impress

My prayer over the past few weeks has been that my life here at home will glorify God. My life here mopping the floor, going over letter sounds, folding laundry, reading books out loud, and cooking dinner. My life here that is largely unobserved except by two (soon to be three!) small boys. That life that no one sees. The life where no one really knows what I do or how I do it. I want it to honor God. 

My desire is that my life would bless those in it, specifically my husband and children. Then spreading around to other family members, friends, church people, acquaintances, and even the Wal-Mart cashier who tells me how terrible it is that I don't know how many months old Kevin is.  But it's hard to live with that in mind. It's hard to live daily in a work that no one sees and seek to honor God. It can seem like it doesn't matter. 

The big temptation is to try to impress those who only see me occasionally instead of trying to bless those who closely interact with me. It's much nicer to seem impressive and have people look up to us. It's flattering to have people think we are good mothers, intellectual women, generous wives. But we don't have to actually live it out daily for those people to think those things. It's a bad system of rating how we are doing in our work. 

The question is not, "Am I impressing anyone?" The question is, "Am I blessing those in my home?" 

Am I truly a blessing to my husband? There are ten thousand tips and ideas to share here but I just want to share one that I've been working on the past few months. I've been trying to think about what he needs instead of what I want. For example, if he calls to say he has to work over I want to respond with, "Ok, can we bring you dinner? Anything specific we can pray about for you? Will you get a chance to facetime with the boys?" Something that lets him know that he is important and I understand the challenges of his life. I know he would rather be here with us.  I don't want to make him feel bad about something he can't change. I try to express our appreciation for what he does for us and let him know we will miss him without making him feel bad. I want to leave him energized for his work not weighed down.  I want to be his safe place. 

Am I truly a blessing to my children? Once again I'm going to focus on the idea I've been working on. I want to take the time to train the boys in what to do and why we do it. I don't want to only focus on what we don't do. For example, I want to teach my boys that we are a family and a family is a team. Families help each other grow and learn. So yes, we discipline for pushing and fighting. We have a "hands to yourself" policy. But when this happens we also discuss our family being a team and how blessed we are to have our family and then we practice helping each other. We also talk about working together as a team at other times. And it's working, slowly but surely. 

Am I making our home a blessing to our family? My family will know if they are important by the way I keep our home. Order is necessary for learning and growth. Now families are messy; it's not a museum, but I'm not embarrassed for someone to drop by either. We are learning the concept of stewardship: everything we have belongs to God and He wants us to take proper care of it.

Once I've taken care of these necessary things I find I have little time to worry about what anyone else thinks of me. Some people will like it; some people will think I'm strange; some people will wonder how I "do it all." (I don't; I am only one person. You prioritize your family's needs and go from there.) Focusing on being a blessing will not leave us with time to worry about impressing anyone. And that's a good thing. 

Dear Newly Engaged Friend,

Dear Newly Engaged Friend, 

I saw your excited "I said 'Yes'!" post on Facebook! Then the ring pictures and dreamy thoughts about the wedding and being Mrs. Somebody. And I smiled. Engagment is a special time in life. You are thrilled to have found a person to love and who loves you and it's finally your turn to find the perfect dress and plan your dream wedding. But then I saw a little phrase that made me pause. 

Please understand that this caution is coming from happily married woman. I'm not jaded about love or romance. My husband is an incredible man and I love being married to him. But this marriage takes place in life. A life with kids, jobs, a mortgage, and responsibilities. And we get to choose life one of two ways. 

photo courtesy of victor habbick/freedigitalphotos.net

You said, "I found the man who will make me happy for the rest of my life!" Now I'm sure your fiance is an amazing man and you adore him. But please don't saddle him with the job of making you happy. I'm a woman; I know how it is. Sometimes nothing will make you- or me- happy. He cannot always fix your feelings and he shouldn't have to try.  Your happiness is not his responsibility.  Men love to fix problems but there are some problems they can't fix. And he will drive himself crazy trying until he realizes it's pointless. You can feel unhappy when nothing is wrong and only God can help you with that. 

Your happiness is your responsibility. A man wants a happy wife but he can't make his wife happy unless she wants to be happy. If being happy is your goal you will spend a lot of time being miserable. How do I know this? Because our everyday life isn't what we say will make us happy. We want flowers, and money, and vacations, and romantic dinners, and jewelry to be happy.  We don't list crying babies, stubborn preschoolers, family problems, medical bills, overtime, homework, housework, or exhaustion as things that make us happy. And yet that's what life hands us most of the time. Your man can't fix that for you. He can't remove all your responsibilities to your family and to God and let you float around only doing  the things that make you "happy."

Instead why don't you say you found the man you are going to make happy for the rest of your life? If your goal is his happiness you will be happy. And if you make your husband's happiness your aim he will try his best to please you. It's a win-win for both of you. It's a weird paradox of life that Jesus explained in Matthew 16:25: "For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it."  It's only as we pour ourselves out for others that we find happiness for ourselves. If you have a heart to please God and make your husband happy you will find a deepening satisfaction in life despite the crying baby and the electric bill. 

I realize this is unpopular advice. Many people would say I needed to assert myself more. Many people would tell me that life is short and I should live for myself. But I've watched those people and they are miserable. I don't want that for myself or for my marriage. And so if you see me smiling in a picture on facebook it's probably not because I'm going on a cruise or  even eating chocolate while watching tv. It's because I'm pursuing someone else's happiness. And that's a purpose worth my marriage and worth my time. 

Lisa

Royalty and Crowns

We live about an hour and a half from Dollywood. Dollywood is one of my favorite places and when we were in college we forked out the money for season passes so that we could make a couple of trips each year. It's not really cheap but I would go at least once a month if I could. It's beautiful and has a great family atmosphere. They are expanding their limited number of rollercoasters.  Dollywood also has a lot of small shops. (Did we mention rollercoasters?)

As you amble around the park you can browse through stores and catch snippets of shows all at the same time. A small Christian bookstore used to be tucked away in a line of shops. It's not there now but I remember exactly what it looked like. It was open on one side and I always wondered how they kept the books dry in bad weather. It was there that I met Elizabeth George. 

Not in person, mind you, although that would have been awesome. They had rows of her books on one side of the shelf. She was on the first authors to influence my life in a spiritual way once I was an adult. She wrote passionately about loving God and using your work to glorify Him. She talked about how to love your husband, train your children, quiet your tongue.  I bought a small stack of her books for four or five dollars apiece over the few years of college. I still have them and I've been rereading "Beautiful in God's Eyes." It's a book based on Proverbs 31 and she's unpacking some of the truth of that Scripture and how it applies to my life. 

In one of the last chapters she's talking about how a wife becomes praiseworthy to her husband. As I was contemplating being a crown to my husband this morning I realized something. 

If I'm going to be a crown to my husband (Pro. 12:4), I must be royalty myself (I Pet. 2:9). A crown that really honors can't be made of cheap materials. No one wants a crown of cardboard or sticks. No one wants a crown colored with crayons or thrown together in thirty minutes (unless your babies make it). They want a piece of art. Something lovingly designed with hard work and creativity. 

photo courtesy of digitalart/freedigitalphotos.net

If I am going to be a crown to my husband, I must be royalty myself. I can't suddenly be something for him that I'm not on my own. My love for God must mold all aspects of my life to be a virtuous woman. Who I am matters. I can't base my worth on my position as a wife or mom or anything else I do. I will stand before God as Lisa. 

Yes, there are very practical aspects to being a crown to my husband. 

- How do I keep my home? Does it discourage him when he comes home? Does he dread bringing people here or having people drop by? Is he comfortable? 

- How do I train our children? Can he enjoy them? Do they obey? 

- How do I look? Can he be proud to be seen with me? Does my dress reflect his position? 

- How do I manage our money? Do I stretch what we have? Do I thank him for his hard work and provision? 

- How do I love God? Can he expect me to be serving God or does he always wonder if he'll have to pull me along into God's will? 

- How do I spend my free time? Am I growing as a person? Do I use it to bless my family?  

But in the end it comes down to me. I must be royalty myself. My motivation must be a heart that pleases God. When I am seeking God's approval with my life then I will be a crown to my husband. 

A Marriage Story

I love steak nachos at our local Mexican restaurant. I rarely order them anymore because Kevin usually shares my food and he eats dairy free. That wonderful, creamy, white cheese is not dairy free. But my husband surprised me the other night. 

I hadn't been feeling that great last Sunday. Justin had been doing quite a few of the things I normally do and holding things together so that I could rest and take it easy. I causally mentioned after church that I was hungry and then he went to finish some work and I went to get the boys. 

When we left church that night he took a wrong turn and headed toward town. He parked at El Dorados and ran inside. He came back out with a to-go plate of steak nachos. Yes, I am married to a wonderful, wonderful man. 

Sometimes your marriage can grow when you need help, not just when you're doing the helping. My love for my husband grows tremendously on days like that. I realize how much he loves me and the caliber of man that I married. He's a great man. He doesn't ask for acclaim for the work he does for our family every day. He doesn't ask to be noticed for the way he sacrifices or the choices he makes for our good. 

But sometimes it's hard for me to accept help and let him care for me. I can clothe this in noble statements like, "I prefer to take care of him."  But really, do I just not want to feel indebted? Do I feel like I have to contribute my part to be worth something? I think there's more truth in those statements than any sense of nobility. 

That man loves me. We are building a strong marriage by the grace of God. And it's ok if some days he gives more and other days I do. It's not a 50-50 deal. If it was, some days I don't keep up my part. And some days, he doesn't keep his. 

In marriage you have to give 100% regardless of what the other person is giving. And it will fluctuate. Some days- or weeks- you will give 100% and it seems like they are only contributing 30%. That's ok; you're not supposed to be keeping score.  The tides will turn. Maybe you're giving in the little things right now. But one day it might turn into the big things. It may mean moving far away to follow God's will. It could be a cancer diagnosis. 

You can't keep score in marriage. You must go into every day determined to give every part of yourself to your spouse. To hold nothing back even if there's no guarantee of receiving anything in return. You promised your everything to that man at the altar. Everything in the day to day life. Everything in the big wonderful or tragic events. 

I'm not here to reshape my husband into something different. I'm here to love him. To support him. To care for him. 

And to let him do those things for me. 

Nurturing Our Marriage

"Love like there's no tomorrow, and if tomorrow comes, love again." Max Lucado

Last spring our Pastor talked about wartime marriages in marriage class. They knew the value of time. They also knew there was a good chance they didn't have much of it. 

In America, we tend to take time for granted. People can live long, healthy lives. People usually do live long, healthy lives. But we aren't guaranteed those long, healthy lives. The Bible says life is short, like a vapor. (James 4:14)

I want to nurture my marriage every single day. I don't want to assume that I can do it tomorrow because we might not have tomorrow. Now honestly, I can't focus on this thought to any extreme because then I get sad and fearful about tomorrow instead of motivated to make the most of today.  But the concept must be there.  We are not promised fifty years together. Or even seven. We have today. 

So what can I do to nurture my marriage today? What can I do to love my husband? 

1. Smile at him. When he wakes up. When he comes home. When I talk on the phone (seriously, it makes a difference in your voice!). When we're mobilizing the troops for battle (i.e. corralling the children). When I'm tired. When he's discouraged. 

2. Touch him! Pat his arm. Rub his shoulder. Kiss him. Give him a hug. 

3. Listen to him. My husband has lots of stories. Stories about work mostly. And those are stories about his life. I want to hear him. I want him to know he's important to me. 

4. Laugh with him. We are constantly doing ridiculous things and cracking each other up. We'll probably embarrass our kids when they are older. 

5. Care for him. For me, this means clean clothes. Dinner when he comes home (at least the promise of dinner cooking!). A reasonably clean, if somewhat messy, house. 

6. Moderate our home. What does this mean? I was sick last week and I observed something. My husband needs me as a buffer. He needs my creativity for spending time with our kids. He needs my energy for being excited about our life. 

7. Be happy. My husband desires my happiness.  I cannot depend on him to make him happy but I can give him the gift of my joy. 

8. Make him the focus. When it comes to our marriage I can focus on him or I can focus on me. I want to make him the focus and die to self. 

And then I want to do these things day after day after day. 

Because one of those days will be the last one. 

Winning the Heart of My Husband

We're almost six years into our marriage. Not a long time but everybody who's been married for forty years at one time was only married for six. 

Yes, I know. 

I'm profound. 

I've learned a few things in six years. One is that my husband is a wonderful man. Another is that it's easy to take that for granted. 

I love being married to him but I still have to die to self to be the wife that God intends for me to be. He put me here to help my man pursue the will of God.  He didn't make me a wife so that my husband could make me happy (although he frequently does!). He didn't make me a wife because my husband needed someone to cook his dinner (although he appreciates my cooking, believe me!). God put me here because my husband can better serve God with me as his wife. At least... if I'm being the wife God planned for me to be.

My heart's desire is to be a wife that my husband can treasure so I want to grow as a wife. I spend the time on the things that matter. There are two avenues of blessing my husband that I am pursuing right now. 

1. I want to be gracious with my husband. God defines "gracious" as one of the characteristics of His lady (Proverbs 11:16) and I certainly want to be gracious to the most important person in my life. 

Gracious = Favorable; kind; benevolent; merciful; disposed to forgive offenses and impart unmerited blessings. 

A. I want my husband to have my favor; my kind regard or friendliness. Am I a friend to my husband? How can I work on being his friend? 

-Care about what he cares about

-Listen to his stories

-Share his disappointments and triumphs

-Be kind! Speak graciously. If I wouldn't talk to someone else that way I shouldn't talk to my husband like that. 

B. That second part of the definition jumped out at me! Do I forgive offenses from my husband quickly? I shouldn't have a list in my mind that I go over every time he messes up and then add the new offense onto the end to review the next time. Do I do things for him that he doesn't deserve? I should. I should look for every opportunity to bless my husband even if I feel he doesn't deserve it. God bestows me with this same grace every day. Every day He showers blessings on me and I don't deserve one of them. His forgiveness is there in readiness every single day. I am behaving like Jesus when I am gracious to my husband. 

The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and plenteous in mercy. Psalm 103:8

God wants His ladies to be gracious. (Pro. 11:16). In doing so, we are showing Christ to the world (and our families!)

2. I also want to be welcoming. I want my husband to be at home with me. How do I greet my husband when he comes home? Sure, I'm usually in the middle of several different things: dinner preparations, refereeing, cleaning, etc. But I'm there (at home) for him. I tell Justin all the time that we're home so that he can come when it fits in his schedule. I want him to know we're excited about him being home.

Do I welcome my husband when we're in public? At church when I'm working on something? We belong together; I am here for him. I want to always have a smile for him! 

How do I treat him when he asks me for something? I don't want Justin to ever wonder how I'm going to respond to him. Or what mood I'm going to be in. Or how he's going to be treated. I want to be welcoming. There is nothing that I can't put down or stop when he needs my attention. (Don't take that too literally. You shouldn't drop the baby or the pot of boiling water; you know what I mean!)

One of the saddest things I can imagine is getting to heaven and having God tell me that I was a hindrance to my husband or my family in serving God. When I look at it in that light- the light of eternity- there is nothing so big or so insignificant that I can't change to follow Christ.

Winning Husbands

Sometime this spring I did a Bible study in 1 Peter. I love the practicality of Peter's writing. He was a fisherman, not a scholar like Paul, and I love how God designs and uses different kinds of people. He doesn't want us to be the same! But I digress. That's not my point for this post. 

In chapter three (which contains a lot of controversial stuff for our generation) Peter tells us that wives can live in such a way that they could win an unsaved husband to Jesus. We must have a profound influence on our husbands for that to be true! I also think there are great marriage principles in here for wives with Christian husbands as well! 

Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;  1 Peter 3:1

1. First we see how they aren't won. They aren't won with words. Women have a lot of words and we can use them like weapons. But it never works.  A husband isn't won by lecturing or scolding. Not by being preached at or obnoxiously prayed over aloud. 

• No nagging. Let him be him. 
• No mothering. My husband already has a wonderful mom; he doesn't need me to try to be one. Let him be a man. 
• No sermons. No lectures on how he could be a better dad. No accusations about how he doesn't do certain things. 
• No criticizing. There are plenty of people in the world ready to criticize my husband. He needs my support. 

The main thing I try to do with my speech is to "shut up for Jesus." So much does NOT need to be said. God didn't design me to be the world's conscience. Or my husband's conscience. (That's not my place. I can save myself a lot of mental distress by not obsessing with all the things I see wrong that I either can't change or aren't my place to change. This is one of my general life principles.)

2. But then they are won "by the conversation of the wives." Conversation means lifestyle. How they lived day in and day out. 

-how do they teach the children?
-how do they keep the house?
-how do they manage money?
-what tone of voice do they use?
-how do they handle discouragement?
-how do they manage their time?
-how do they respond to their husband? 

All of these things- and many others-  should show Jesus to others. Not our carnal nature. Not our natural reactions, but Jesus. Does my behavior match up with the Bible? That is the ultimate litmus test. 

This is such a profound verse to me because married people see the best in each other- but most often they see the worst. We reserve our contempt for our husband. We reserve our criticisms, our bad moods, our irritability for our husbands. And sometimes we feel justified in this because "they have to love us." 

I don't know about you but I don't want my husband to "have" to love me! I want to be easy to love. I make to win his heart every day. I want to be crown to him. (Pro. 12:4)

Now I am blessed with an amazing Christian husband! I don't need my lifestyle to win Him to Christ; He already knows Jesus. But I do want to live with my Christianity that genuine. A Christianity so real that the person who knows me best would say that Jesus lives in me. Who we are at home is who we really are. 

Also I don't want to treat my wonderful husband any less well than I would a husband that I needed to win to Jesus. Instead my gratitude toward God for my husband should spur me on to be the best wife I can possible be! 

One last thing- if, by God's grace, we live this kind of Christianity out in front of our husbands, it will also be visible to anyone else who knows us and needs to know Jesus. And isn't that what we want? 

All the Days of Her Life

Want to know my favorite thing about reading my Bible? I love how you can read something you've read many times before and see something new. The Bible really is a living Book. God can meet His children right where they are in life. 

A few days ago I was reading the Proverbs 31 passage and only got three verses in. Verse twelve says, "She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life." I had only considered that verse in the context of a lifetime commitment. ALL the days of her life. Until he or she is dead. But this time I saw it in the context of all the days. Today. Tomorrow. The next day. Next week. How am I doing my husband good today? 

Next week, next month, next year are all great times to set goals. I don't have to do anything! But when it's today I have to consider what I can do differently. How can I do my husband good today? This is a great daily marriage focus for me. It's easy for me to get wrapped up in teaching the boys and getting my work done and not intentionally focus on my husband.  But asking myself this question throughout the day refocuses me. 

So I plan on asking myself this question every day "all the days of my life." 

October, Really?

Where has this year gone? Hard to believe there are only three months left before we start a new year. It's getting dark earlier, the leaves are changing colors, I'm starting to look forward to Christmas and my babies are growing up! Kevin will be a month old tomorrow and Micah will be two and a half at the end of the month! Something about that makes me stop to reevaluate how intentionally I am spending my time.

I am so thankful that God takes the time to answer our smallest prayers for wisdom, ideas, and creativity! God has all the answers to the questions I don't even ask!

 Hubby and his mini-me!

 Sunday afternoon nap with baby Kevin!

 

And there are my wonderful motivators for change! Honestly, nothing has made me more aware of how much I need God than being a mom. (It has also revealed how selfish I am too!) I cannot go back and relive these years of our marriage or raise my children again so I need God's wisdom for what I am doing!

Over the next few weeks I plan on sharing some of the ideas I've been mulling over and attempting to implement. I've even pulled in a few resources (read: Pinterest!). So here's to rethinking before the new year.

Busy Times

My husband works in technology. This means that he's incredibly intelligent! Not where I'm going with this post though. It means that there are times he is incredibly busy! And summer, especially the end of summer, is one of those times. August is one of his office's busiest months and it's been even more so this year because they are finishing up some extra summer projects. So Micah and I have been on our own a lot. Now this is not our preference; we miss that man! But when there's nothing to be done about it, we make the best of it.

Some ideas I've gathered this summer:
- Plan fun things to do. Micah and I go to the park, go to McDonald's for fries, watch movies, go to the playground around the corner, meet friends for playdates, finish extra projects, etc.
- Make home cheerful and pleasant for when Justin is here. I want him to enjoy every minute he's home.
- Don't make plans for when Justin will be here. Let him determine what he wants to do. I try to finish all our work while Justin is gone.
- Focus on others. Don't whine about not seeing him more; he can't help that he has to work! And since we're the reason he's working it's a little ungrateful too.
- Express appreciation. Who doesn't like a heartfelt "thank you"? My husband does so much for us!
- Be interested in his work. Ask a lot of questions and follow up with a "How did ________ go today?"
- Pray for him and let him know about it! All that work can be stressful and he has a lot of decisions to make.
- Be cheerful. I want him to know that we are here having a good time! He doesn't need to worry about us here by ourselves on top of everything else he has to do. We always go out on the steps to wave (and smile!) when he leaves and when he calls we drop what we are doing and talk to him!
- Involve him. I send him funny pictures of Micah, take him cookies or lunch, buy his favorite drink, etc.
- Make the most of the time we have. This might mean popcorn and a show before bed, laughing at Micah's antics before he leaves for work, etc.
-Find an appropriate time to discuss problems. I don't mention problems or difficulties when he calls or arrives home unless something needs to be dealt with immediately.
- Practice mind control. Don't even think that I never see him, never get a break, etc. For one thing, none of those are true and they are crippling thoughts for my attitude!

I read in a book that Jesus is always enough. When Justin can't be here, Jesus is! (And obviously He's still here when Justin is too!) I don't have a husband so he can make me happy. That is an impossible task for any person. I have a husband so that I can help him reach God's will for his life. I can only do that as I forget myself and focus on what he needs. These tips help me encourage my husband and model the right attitude for our children.

Although someone did suggest that I fake labor to get to spend some extra time with him! Think it would work?? :)

Faithful, Cheerful Service

Ever tried to impress somebody with how tired you are and how much you have to do? You know the whole, "I'm up all night with babies. Someone is constantly dirtying my house as I clean and I just keep slaving away. Nobody appreciates me. I never get to go on vacation....." That whole routine? I'll admit that I've done it. And I'm really bad for doing this to my husband. I must want him to notice exactly how miserable I am! Oh wait, but I'm not miserable! So why do I do that?

1. I'm insecure in what God called me to do. I want to be sure others realize that being a wife and mom is a full-time job too. And aren't people supposed to complain about their job?
2. I'm trying to impress people. (Twisted thinking: who's impressed by whining?)People-pleasing never gets you where God wants you to go. I am working for God's smile, not man's approval.
3. I've fallen into worldly thinking that says I must be miserable if life is not all about me and whatI want.

Last time I checked nobody liked a complainer, especially God! (1 Cor. 10:10, Phil. 2:14-15) So I decided to shut up! (Or at least try to!)

And you know what I found? I'm the one that benefits! Yes, in an attempt to please God and stop discouraging my husband by constantly reminding him how hard my life is, I have found more joy. (And yes, it does discourage my husband. His goal is to have a happy wife.)

"A merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance: but by sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken." Proverbs 15:13. The last half of verse 15 also states, "but he that is of a merry heart hath a continual feast." What's in my heart? I've been studying a lot about how my heart affects my words and it's scary to think how much I reveal about myself with what I say! Do I have a heart for God and the work He has given me?

So what is my new goal? Faithful, cheerful service! Here's some steps I'm taking to work on this.

1. I don't constantly talk about how tired I am. And somehow I think I'm less tired too. I tell God about it and ask for help. I want others to see that God's plan works and it doesn't mean misery. What a great testimony to always tell people what a drudgery your life serving God is! NOT!
2. I tell my husband how much I LOVE getting to stay home with our babies and take care of him and our home. I want him to know that I appreciate the opportunity and I love my life. Because I really do.
3. I remind myself frequently that I am working for God's approval. If no one else ever notices anything I do or if no one else thinks anything I do is important, it doesn't matter. God says it's important and He notices everything. Because I of that I can keep going....cheerfully! My hope and my joy are found in God, not vacations, money, or applause.

Make your work look easy, even when it's not. -Beverly Hyles