Why We Don't Have to Believe in Typical Motherhood

A few months ago I read an article on Scary Mommy (which I'm not typically a fan of) that really disturbed me. The title of it was "Being a Good Mom is Making Me a Bad Wife." She described how often, when her husband comes home, she's exhausted from the work of the day and still wearing sweats. 

I felt sorry for the writer. She seemed genuine in her concern for her marriage: she wondered what it meant if her children were getting her at her best and her husband always at her worst. She mentioned how much she loved her kids and all the "good mom" stuff that she did for them throughout the day. But...

There's where I want to stop. I get frustrated when we complain about problems but aren't willing to fix them. Mothers have been raising kids for years. And before someone says that mothers had less to do then because there was no internet and no outside jobs, let's consider that they had to grow their own food and make their own clothes. I think we have it easier all things considered. 

There are two extremes in motherhood: neglecting your mothering and making your motherhood first in your life. Both are problems but we're focusing on the second one today. You are not a mama first. You are a woman, a Christian, a wife first. Your children should not be your life although they take up a good portion of your time when you are raising them. 

Life and motherhood can coexist. But it's work. We don't like work; we like shortcuts. We want a shortcut that doesn't involve slowly training our children to engage in activities that don't lead to pandemonium at dinner time. (It helps that they outgrow some toddler behaviors.) We want a shortcut that doesn't involve reigning in our own emotions and not melting down when things are overwhelming. We want a shortcut that doesn't involve taking ten minutes to change clothes and brush our hair so we feel refreshed. 

We don't have to believe in typical status quo motherhood. We don't have to make our children the center of our world, let ourselves go, neglect our marriages, and always be knee-deep in some sort of accident. Well, we might be physically but we don't have to be mentally. 

When we put our eyes on Christ, we start to remember that while we are admonished many times to teach, train, and love our children, we are not instructed to make them the center of the universe. We are not instructed to drop every bit of work to focus solely on mothering; we find no example of that in Scripture. 

Friends, I believe in the importance of mothering. You know this if you've been reading here. Hear what I'm saying: we don't have to do motherhood that way. 

We can develop an eternal perspective. Then when we are knee-deep in accidents and messes and frustrations (and we will be) we will remember that we are raising humans and this is part of the process. We will also remember that we're growing ourselves and this is part of the lesson. 

We can train our children and ourselves. We can train our children not to cry over every little thing (and yes, some kids take way longer than others). We can train ourselves to only use our phones when it's time to. We can consider alternatives when we are having problems with our schedules and rhythms of life. We can develop some rhythms of life: how do you think I write this blog? 

Pick one thing. Work on that for a week. Then the next week add something else. 

Set meal and snack times. Establish nap/quiet time. Fit everything else around those. Teach your children to help you clean for fifteen minutes right after breakfast. Teach them to sit and play with specific toys for twenty minutes while you make phone calls or update your budget or plan an instrument. 

Get out some coloring pages or play-doh or paper dolls (maybe not in my case but I loved them when I was little) and sit your kids at the table when it's time to cook dinner. Or use the Crock-Pot and go out and run around in the yard when your husband arrives home. 

Slowly teach your non-napping children to have quiet time (Pinterest is full of ideas) so that you can dabble in a project that interests you. 

Determine an amount of time you want to be on the floor playing with your kids and do it every day. Read out loud to your kids every day. 

I'm not interested in telling you how to do motherhood; I don't care if you don't follow any of my suggestions. I am interested in your considering how God wants you to do motherhood. This isn't about neglecting your children to just work all day and it's not about neglecting your responsibilities to be drug around by your kids. This will look different for each family and possibly each day. But if we're erring too far toward either side, change is possible. 

These are not easy changes. But it's too easy to complain and never change. If you aren't willing to change, stop complaining. 

We don't have to lose ourselves in motherhood. Motherhood makes us better people when we don't quit or give up. Approach motherhood with the same grace and grit you would an outside job. Would you show up in old, dirty clothes? No, you wouldn't, because that makes you feel horrible about yourself and no one takes you seriously. Maybe you have to change clothes twice in one day. Do it. Take five minutes and braid your hair or pull it up in a cute topknot. Put on some concealer and mascara. Life's not over because you have small children or children in general. This is the best training ground for yourself that you could possibly have. 

Does this mean you'll never experience frustration in motherhood? Please, do you have kids? This isn't a magic pill that will fix all the problems and create smooth sailing. But it might keep you from giving up on a life that matters. 

This isn't just me. I'm not anything special; motherhood is not naturally easy for me. I have friend after friend after friend who excels at this. They aren't perfect but they attempt change when they need too.

You can too. 

When You're "Just" at Home

Unfortunately I don't wake up with an eternal focus. I wake up wanting to go back to bed. So I try to start my day off with Jesus- reading my Bible, praying, trying to refocus my heart and mind into the framework of how He views life. I want my days to matter for eternity and I try to pray, "Lord, use me!" every morning. 

One morning I prayed that and immediately thought, "I'm not going anywhere today so I guess He can't."

Did you catch what I said? "I'm not leaving the house so God can't use me." God can't use me inside these four walls with this family. That's what I thought to myself and sometimes that's even what I believe. 

Maybe you've thought it to. You've thought that real life, real ministry, real purpose was found somewhere beyond the walls of your home and the (relatively) few humans that live there. (Although there are times when it feels like they've tripled in number, right? Don't leave me hanging here, mamas.)

One of David's prayers was that he would "walk within his house with a perfect heart." Ps. 101:2 states his desire to live a life that honors God and it starts at home. Who we are at home is who we are; we can't hide there. The ugly comes out because it's where we are tested beyond any other situation. 

Home is a place where God can use us.  1 Timothy 4:10 gives us a list of accomplishments of the godly older woman. "Well reported of for good works; if she have brought up children, if she have lodged strangers, if she have washed the saints' feet, if she have relieved the afflicted, if she have diligently followed every good work." 

I don't believe all of that took place at home and it won't in our lives either. But surely some of it did. She brought up those children at home. For one thing, it's much simpler to do some of that work (potty-training, anyone?) at home. Necessity also demands it. Little ones need to eat, sleep, and play in a familiar, safe environment. Home is best for most of that. 

Lodging strangers took place at home. I don't think putting them up in someone else's house would count. "I'd love to serve you. Please rest over here at my neighbor's where they can care for you." At the very least it would involve an exchange of money like in the case of the Good Samaritan. She was out something for this service.

Washing the saints' feet was an act of service. There were no paved roads and cars in Bible times. It was dirty roads and probably sandals. It was a blessing to enter a home and be able to wash that dirt off your feet before you ate and rested. It makes me think of the countless times we wash little hands and give baths. Relieving the afflicted could be as simple of wiping your child's head with a cool cloth during a fever. It could be an encouraging word when your husband is discouraged. 

Every good work. Civilization used to be much more home centered. The work was focused at home with a knowledge that the work mattered. There was no social media with likes and shares and follows. There weren't airplanes that carried people around the world to speak to crowds. There weren't high-rise buildings with corner offices and raises to earn. 

Life was consumed simply in surviving. Food for this meal followed by some clean laundry and then more food preparation. They didn't buy already diced veggies from the produce section of Fresh Market. (I don't either, come to think of it.) Feeding people was a huge work that took most of the day. It exhausts me to simply think about the amount of work that they had to do to just exist. And then these godly older women served others too. Not just their own families but these others- strangers, saints, the afflicted, children (it doesn't say her own). 

She was a woman that gave of herself sacrificially to serve others. She worked hard to provide what others needed. She served invisibly- in hard work, manual labor, demeaning tasks. 

God can use me, even if it's "just" at home. Every day that I spend with my children I am shaping them. I am telling them of their value. What do they hear if I say they aren't part of my real work but simply a distraction from anything that matters? What message do we pass on to our daughters about motherhood if we chafe against the confines of raising small children? And it is confining. There are things that I would love to do that I simply cannot do while I am raising my babies. But I choose this now because it's time for it; there are seasons of life. Those other things will still be there in five or ten years and my children will not be little. 

Of course God can use us other places. And He does- even if we are mostly at home with small children. I'm not talking about that because few people dispute that. It is hard to remember that God is using us when we are doing life with littles, changing diapers, teaching letters, and tying shoes. 

"Lord, use me!" is still my heart's cry.  I'm almost to the place that I believe it's possible- even if I'm "just" at home. 

What I Really Want for Our Marriage

Sometimes it seems that all days are long. I sit feeding the baby before putting him in bed, letting the book close in my lap, while Curious George plays in the kitchen where the older boys eat a snack. His strong legs lift the ottoman off the rug and run the vacuum across it.

Not because I asked. Because it needed vacuumed.

He sacrifices his time and resources for our well-being. He works his days because he loves it and to keep us in this home where we play and learn. He rarely asks for anything- occasionally some new sunglasses to put around his shaved head or a sandwich when he comes home for lunch.

He's mine. I said "yes" the day he asked me to marry him. That day when we were still teenagers and only knew we wanted to do life together. I was barely out of my teens the day we said "I do" in a simple ceremony in December.

We moved easily into life together. Homework because I was still in school, dinners that we cooked together in our tiny apartment where we didn't have curtains. We watched movies on the air mattress in front of the TV on Friday nights and slept until 11 the next morning in the cozy bed that had been handed down for generations.

We disagreed. We still do. Two different people moving together through life are bound to. But I went into each day with him with one resolve- to give him more.

More grace when he messes up. More benefit of the doubt when I feel offended. More respect than I give to another. He's been the best of things to me and I want to give him my best. 

It's easiest to give him my worst.

To save the soft answers for the woman at church that hurts my feelings. To keep the patience for the children on a good day or for the slow, grumbling cashier at the store. To consider the emotions of a stranger that cares nothing for me while making assumptions about his intentions. 

I want to save my best for him. I want to nurture a love that's holding hands walking into the restaurant or the hospital, into riches or want. I want to give more to this one whose story is intertwined with mine and not to others who only play a secondary role. 

Because one motivation is out of love and the other is to be impressive. He knows me too well to be impressed; he sees my best and my worst. I can think that those who don't know me well are impressed with me. Maybe they are sometimes. 

The impressions are fake. They don't see me when I'm tired and the kids have been up all night and I've not had any coffee. They don't see me roll my eyes or raise my voice or apologize for sarcastic answers. 

He does. He chooses me anyway. 

And every morning I choose him. 

Our Family Motto- At Least for Accidents

Someone accidentally dumps his cheerios at snacktime. The cup gets knocked off the table at lunch. The toy tower gets kicked over again. We change dinner time because Justin has to work late. We change clothes and run lunch out to him at work. 

Life doesn't always ever go just as we'd like. 

When it doesn't- whether because of accidents or changes in plans- we're trying to teach the boys to respond with "No big deal." 

No big deal that we're sweeping up cheerios again. 

No big deal that we're retying the shoes. 

No big deal that we were planning on reading and now we need to give the baby a bath first because he had a blowout. 

No big deal that we need to pick up what we dropped when we walked down the hallway. 

I want to teach them that most things are just no big deal. They might not be what we expected or wanted. We might be tired of doing that particular thing. We might be frustrated at doing something again. We may want to be upset with someone who inconvenienced us. But instead we're going to take a deep breath and say, "No big deal." Because really- it's not. 

None of those things matter and we can control how we act about things. We need to consider how we make others feel by our actions or reactions. We need to make ourselves enjoyable for others to be around even when things aren't going the way we would like. (We all know those people that are difficult to be around unless everything goes just their way.) So we say "No big deal." 

This seems to take a lot of work to teach. But we keep going over and over how we want to respond to accidents and inconveniences. 

It often takes me longer to grasp concepts than it does the children. I get tired of the monotony some days. I don't want to clean up another accident or sweep up the cheerios or change the shirt because someone spilled spaghetti sauce on it at lunch. I never knew how much grace and patience I was lacking until it was tried every day. It's easy to think that you are patient and kind when you are surrounded by adults who mostly treat you in a mature way. It's more difficult with little people who act like little people. Little people who don't know how they are supposed to act and are sometimes slower at learning it than we would like. 

So I'm learning to say "no big deal" and do with a cheerful heart. To do it with actions that back up the words and give them the peace to own "no big deal" for themselves. If you say "no big deal" to the little things then you save your energy for the things that are a big deal. That's really a better place for it, don't you think? 

Why Life Doesn't Look Like What You Expect

Occasionally I get discouraged because I don't think we are living out our days the way I would like. I picture reading books on blankets under the clouds and leisurely walks watering the garden and baking bread together. So I started thinking about what kind of day I do want to have. As I put together a picture of it I realized that we DO have the type of days I want to have. I'm just envisioning the edited, Instagram-filtered version of it and what I get is a blurry shot with an old camera. 

I don't mean that life's not good. Life is good. Hard occasionally, but good. What I do mean is that expectations and reality are never the same thing. I don't care if you're a stay-at-home mom or you just landed your dream job. I don't care if you just got married to the love of your life or had your first baby or moved to a tropical island. Expectations and reality are never the same. 

See I envision reading aloud outside laying together on a blanket, pausing occasionally to eat grapes and look for shapes in the clouds. That's not what happens. No one wants to read outside for one thing. Outside the boys want to run and fight with sticks. We read inside on the couch when I'm feeding the baby and I have to tell people not to jump on the couch and not to cry when we're not reading their book first. Expectation killed the reality. (Of course we also have  times of reading where my boys snuggle up against me and it almost kills me with perfect.) 

What I envision as a leisurely walk wearing the baby and letting chubby hands water small plants turns into "please don't step on all the vegetables," "how did you get mud in your hair?" and a wiggling baby who doesn't want to nap even if it's naptime. Expectations kill reality. 

It's not that we aren't doing the good things. We are. My kids will look back and know that we read books and took walks and watered gardens and made bread and went to the park. But if I'm not careful I can kill my contentment by focusing on what I expect life to look like instead of what it actually is. If I kill my contentment it will be easy for me to forget what I'm supposed to be doing. Instead of doing the work in front of me I'll be looking for a work that matches my expectations better. Except it's not there. I could spend my whole life jumping from one thing to another because I don't realize that reality never matches the visions in my head. 

Whenever I find that I'm disgruntled with the type of life we are living it's usually an expectations problem meshed with wow, we've had a rash of tough days. Not that life itself needs to be revamped. It's not time to jump ship and reverse everything we've been doing. Do things for a reason and keep doing them. One of my favorite quotes says, "Be sure you put your feet in the right place, then stand firm." 

We are doing the important things. We are nurturing our walks with Christ. Is it effortless? Absolutely not. I'm waking myself up to read my Bible and then apologizing when I don't obey it and asking the boys to be quiet while we read it together. We are growing in our marriage. Easy? No. It takes time and effort and conversations and forgiveness.  We are serving at church. Is it without problems? No, there are people there; people always bring problems. We are training our kids. Easy? Definitely not. But it's worth the work that we have to pour into it. 

This life before me doesn't live to my expectations. I can either stop there and look for something that does- something that doesn't exist. Or I can accept reality and embrace this path before me. 

6 Ways I Help My Family Thrive

I recently started a Twitter account for the blog (@delighting_days). I have to admit that I love a love/hate relationship with Twitter like I do with Facebook. But since I'm tweeting for the church I wanted a little more room to play around with whatever it is you're supposed to do on Twitter. I would like to do social media well, both for the blog and for church. But you know what? It's far from being my most important work. 

This family work that happens in our home outside the scope of notice- no likes or favorites or shares- depends on me. Of course my husband is important but I'm the one that's here. I have been given a special charge for loving these people and this home. (Titus 2:3-5, Proverbs 31:27)

How can my family thrive under my care? I don't want them to just "get by." I don't want to only provide the bare necessities for life. I want them to bloom in this home: to develop and grow. I want this place to be more than a hotel would be. Here are a few ways I try to accomplish this. 

1. I must flourish in Jesus myself. If I don't put something in I have nothing to give out. I must have a growing relationship with God myself that I am feeding and developing every day. It is the only way to success. (Joshua 1:8) If I want to show God's love for my family I must know God's love for me. I must live in it. (See Ephesians 3:14-21: I need to be filled with God so that godly things overflow from me.)

2. They must know they are important. I must choose them. Choose them before the television, before friends, before this blog. I want them to know that I love them. I want my husband to know I'm his number one fan. I want my kids to know that they are treasures from God and I delight in them. People don't thrive where they don't think they matter. 

3. They must know they belong. We are all a little weird. I want our home to be a belonging place. Their place. I want to welcome my husband home. I want to make our home a place that reflects him and where he feels comfortable. I want it to be his favorite place. I want to fill it with their projects and loves and interests even if it makes a non-magazine home. I want them to have a spot in our family and to accept one another. 

4. I must have the right attitude, not a "well, I have to do this" attitude. I don't want them to think that I'm always slaving away to care for them. It's work but it's priceless work. Everyone works and we get to choose who we work for and how we do it. I want to work enthusiastically, sacrificially. I choose to put my lifework into this family. I could go get a job but that's not what we want for our family now.  

5. My words and my tone matter. What do I tell these precious people? Do I build up my husband? Do I look him in the eye when he talks? Do I speak life-giving words about him? Do I care enough about my children to correct them properly? To speak kindly? Do I affirm the way God made them? Proverbs 16:23 is a great starting place for this topic. I can't just babble out anything I think. 

6. I need to recognize each member as an individual. We are all different and need different things. I need to meet them where they are and not where I would like for them to be. I don't want any of these men to feel like I'm not proud of how God made them. Or that they need to be someone else. I want them to grow in confidence in who God made them to be and what He wants them to do. Not in what everyone else is doing. 

I want to do everything I can for my family and pray that God does the rest. The fact that so much of it is beyond me does not release me from the responsibility of what's in my grasp. 

How do you help your family thrive? 

Rare Disease Day: Why I Quit Saying "As Long As He's Healthy"

When you announce you're pregnant there are certain conversations you can expect to have multiple times. The main one starts with the question "Do you want a boy or a girl?" That always seemed like a silly question to me since you don't get to decide. But moving beyond that. After you've either expressed a gender preference or said you don't care someone- either the expectant parent or the other person- almost always says, "As long as she's healthy." Everyone smiles, agrees that's most important, and moves on. 

But what happens when the baby isn't healthy? I always want to stop the person and say, "What if he's not? What then? You going to send him back?" It also seems like a ridiculous statement (that I've been guilty of saying) because you can't do anything about it. If your baby is not healthy, you have an unhealthy baby. He's still your baby. 

No one expects to have something wrong with their baby. Our first was born and appeared perfect. We were thrilled and took him home. But he wasn't healthy. He almost died multiple times from a rare disease that we had never heard of. 

I wouldn't trade our boy for any other kid, healthy or not. 

The point isn't that your baby is healthy, although who wouldn't prefer that? The point is that it's your baby. When you got pregnant you signed on. This is your child, come what may. Being a parent grows you up. That's how it's supposed to work. You need to grow up when you become a parent. 

A month in the nicu and looking forward to a life of rare disease will do that. You'll grow up because you have to. You'll learn to measure formula, change g-tubes, and argue with the insurance company. You'll see the inside of a doctor's office more than the average family. You'll avoid those germs and skip the anti-vaccination arguments because the consequences can be so serious.  

You'll be better because of it. You'll deal with the setbacks, the unexpected, the delays. You'll discuss your child with doctors and guard him fiercely from people who don't understand. You'll give in to fear sometimes and then you'll get back up. 

You'll quit saying, "As long as he's healthy" to expecting parents. 

We've had two more children, both boys, since our first was born with IVA. With a genetic disorder there's a 25% chance with each pregnancy that the baby will have IVA. This means we have an amnio. This means we have a late amnio in case of complications.  This means we hope and pray I don't have the baby before we get amnio results back.  So far no one has asked, although I'm sure some have wondered, why we had more babies. Here's my answer: no one is guaranteed a healthy baby. It doesn't matter if you are carriers of IVA or not. 

We love our boys. Even if they're not healthy. 

A Letter to My Boys about Love

Dear Boys,

With all the media hubbub circulating I've read some about 50 Shades of Grey. I haven't watched the movie or read the book and I never plan to. I hope you never do either. However the chance that you'll make it adulthood without some kind of exposure to that or something just as vile seems small. So I want to tell you a few things.

A real man never takes advantage of a woman. (And vice versa too.) Your strength is to help, not hurt, others. Your manliness is a gift from God to benefit others, never mind what people say about it. Being a man is good and real and important. When you meet the woman you love woo her. Marry her. Protect her. Make her safe in your love and in your presence.

Love sacrifices itself, not the other person. Love doesn't demand the other person submit to claims that harm her soul and her body. Love doesn't settle for sex that only fulfills one person or drags the other person to the pit of something that feels- something that is- unclean.

Words matter in love. It's not enough to keeps your hands from violence and her body be safe. Keep your words from violence and let her soul be safe. Love isn't safe; it's scary. But scary for you, not for her. Love is scary for you because you are responsible, because you could lose her. Love should not be scary for her because you might hurt her.

You gain nothing by making her feel small. Build her up. Encourage her. Believe in her. If you can't do those things, don't marry her. Don't ask her to entrust her future to a man who can't see the gift that she is. At the same time, choose carefully. It's your future too.

You are her protector. You defend her from the world. You defend her from evil. You certainly make sure that evil toward her never comes from yourself.

I have never once worried that your father was going to hurt me or make demands that broke me. My love is safe with him. He would lay down his life for me and we both spend our lives, every day, for one another.  Be a safe place. Even when being a strong, steady man doesn't seem flashy- when it doesn't impress others- don't change. Those people aren't worth impressing and you will destroy your own self in the attempt.

Real love may never make the movies. It may not gain thousands of followers or fans. It will never be a life in the lights. Real love is lived out in the daily work of building a marriage and a family. Of becoming two people who are better together than they are alone.

Any of us can become something ugly. Any of us can step aside from the life God has called us to and become like the slime of the world. But you don't have to. Stay close to Jesus. Follow your daddy's example.

I love you.

Mom

In My House: The Importance of Your Private Life

Psalm 101 has what would be my year's verse if I were choosing one. Guess I just did? Verse two says, "I will behave myself wisely in a perfect way. O when wilt thou come unto me? I will walk within my house with a perfect heart." 

Behaving myself wisely seems like a dream most days. So often I choose foolish over wise. I choose to not restrain myself. I choose to not make the decisions that would better my life and the lives of those around me. 

As relevant as the first part is, the last part of the verse is what I want to focus on. "I will walk within my house with a perfect heart." 

It's easy to put my best effort into my public life. My life at the doctor's office or the library or co-op. My life at church or anywhere that other people see me and may be trying to form an opinion of me. Yes, I can dress that up and call it guarding my testimony but you know what it is in my life? Pride! All I'm concerned about in those situations is how I look or what others think of me. I'm not concerned with what they are thinking of Jesus. 

But the life here in my house that no one else sees? That's real. I want it to honor God. If I focus on living my private life to honor God then my public life will take care of itself. My public life will come from love for Jesus and character. It will formed deep down inside me and not be a big show. 

I was listening to a sermon podcast (I'm really not always listening to a podcast) one morning while I fixed breakfast and a missionary said that the tabernacle got more beautiful the farther into it you went. The outside that was displayed to others wasn't the most beautiful part. That seems backward to me but it makes sense to God. He kept the most beautiful part for Himself.  

That's how I want my life to be. I want to be more gracious, more loving, more holy the deeper into my life you go. This means the deepest part of me, where no one else sees, needs to honor God. My thoughts, my dreams, my desires. That means even my words to myself need to honor God. 

That means the way I treat myself needs to honor God. My body language, my care for my body, how I dress should all reflect God. That means the way I use my time and how I develop my talents and skills needs to honor God. That means it's just as wrong to call myself names as it would be to call someone else names. 

That means the way I treat my husband needs to honor God and reflect His beauty. Marriage is a picture of Christ and the church. Surely we would all admit that our marriages matter?

That means the way I treat my children needs to honor God. How I love and train and discipline them. What tone of voice I use and the words I choose. The facial expressions and the actions. The way I spend my time with them. All of these things that no one else sees should honor Christ. 

That means the way I care for my home and do my work needs to honor Him. Whether it's washing the dishes, folding laundry, or cooking dinner. Whether it's writing or piano or learning a song for church. Whatever it is. 

Then of course the circle keeps expanding- church, friends, doctors, acquaintances, Justin's colleagues, facebook friends, blog readers. It's easy to act in front of those people and be something I'm not. But here in my head? I can't fool myself. I have to let God change me. Here with my husband? I can only fake that so long. I have to surrender to Jesus. 

I want to walk here in my home where I am now with a perfect heart: a heart focused on pleasing Jesus. 

The Three-Fold Impact of Today

Imagine you're standing in a beautiful field, looking out over a clearing. Maybe you are balancing in a rainforest  or maybe you're standing on a beach. Maybe you are surrounded by mountains dotted with majestic pines or maybe you're encircled by cacti and desert sand. In your hands you are holding a blueprint for the house of your dreams. The house you will leave behind when you die.

This can be a brick house, a white farmhouse, a small cottage. God made us all different. We look different, talk different, and have different talents. But the the basics of the blueprint are the same.  Where do I find this blueprint? In the Bible of course. Naturally some of this is found in the areas of the Bible that speak directly to women: Proverbs 31, Ephesians 5, Titus 2. But most of it is found throughout the Bible in every spot that tells us how to live a life that pleases God. That's the blueprint. 

For the rest of our story we're going to picture a brick house. 

Every day is a brick. It will take a lifetime to build this house, this legacy. There are no shortcuts, no pre-assemblies allowed. No way to go back and make up for what was wasted. Every single day I get the chance to either put a brick into place in my house or to throw the brick away. Every day starts with one choice. Will I build my house that day or will I tear it down?

Imagine if I lived my life and wasted three days a week. Imagine if I spent them on me and idle pleasures. Or even spent them on good work that wasn't what God intended for me. Almost every other brick would be missing! What kind of house would that build?  One that might not even stand. If I waste those three days how focused could the other four days possibly be? None of my life would add up to what it could have been.  "What could have been" is the epitaph I don't want.  

We need more than bricks to build a house. We're going to need mortar. We have to hold those days together with some kind of glue. A vibrant relationship with Jesus is the only glue that will hold a life together. I don't mean simply being a Christian; I mean spending time with Jesus, learning and loving Him.  The Bible says that without Jesus I can do nothing. I am nothing on my own. All my best efforts will amount to a house that will fall over at the slightest bump because it will just be bricks stacked up, nothing holding them in place. I must follow Jesus every day. 

I don't just want walls of brick and mortar. I want all the extra things that make a house beautiful, that make it a welcoming place. The paint colors, the porch shutters, the wide windows. That going the extra mile. The graciousness when I'm tired. The extra work that I don't have to do but that God equipped me to do. The living by the spirit of the law and not just the letter.  The little things that beautify my life now are what will make my legacy outstanding. That aim for excellence that makes a person stand out is what adds the extra touches to a life.  The smiles, the kindness, the strength to hold to convictions. 

Of course they say that people remember how you finish, not how you start. Jesus is the foundation. You don't have a chance at building a house that lasts without Him. But if at the end of your life you stop serving Jesus and stop adding bricks to your house, it will be a sad reminder to everyone else that you quit. Your house will stand only partially finished until Jesus returns. That's not the legacy I want to leave. 

What I do today has a three-fold impact. Putting my brick on my house allows God to bless me today. (God always blesses obedience.) Putting my brick on my house will leave a legacy for future generations. Putting my brick on my house is how I build a work that lasts for eternity.

Will I build my house with my brick today or will I throw it away? 

Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands. Proverbs 14:1

3 Ways to Enjoy Being a Mom of Littles

Motherhood is not something I'm naturally good at. I've prayed, studied my Bible, and read a lot of material about mothering well. I've watched older moms and asked a lot of questions. Still most days I find myself asking, "God, what on earth do You want me to do with this child?"

Over the past several months I've been surprised to receive multiple comments on how comfortable motherhood looks on me and how well I handle multiple children. I'm never quite sure what to say in response and people stare like they are expecting me to spout off some magic formula. I am not superwoman. My children are not just naturally good. It takes a lot of hard work. As our pastor would say, "There is no magic spouffle dust to sprinkle over your life. You have to do the work."

The questions did make me think about how much I'm enjoying this stage of life. It has times when things get hectic or chaotic. There are times when I would love to transport myself to a beach for a day or two. I think that's true for everyone. But I love our life and think three children are much easier than one.

My best mothering advice is this- Go find an older mom with grown or mostly grown children who is living the kind of life you want to live and raising the kind of kids you want to raise. Watch her. Ask her questions. Ask her kids questions. Read good books about motherhood.

Some of you don't have have an older woman like that in your life and you're desperate to find a way to enjoy your children and your life now. Here are my top three tips on life with small children.

1. Train your children.
Your children should not be in charge at your house. You will be happier if they aren't and so will they. I hate those shirts that say things like "I'm the boss" and refer to children as brats or monsters. You can teach your kids to sit at the table and be quiet when you're talking and walk beside you at the grocery store.

The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame. Proverbs 29:15

- This will take time. You will want to quit. There are always things that I'm working on with my kids and some days I'm sure it will never stick. But it will. Don't give up.

-Practice, practice, practice. Do it over and over at home. Train at home and see the results in public. You can't wait until you're out at a restaurant to try to teach your two-year-olds to sit on their bottoms and not yell at the top of their lungs. Do it at home.

-Teach them to pick up their toys. Don't leave yourself a big mess to deal with after you put them in bed. They will get better at this as they get older and the younger ones will learn from the older ones. 

-Your tone of voice and your attitude about training your kids matters.  It is not better to train your kids in how to behave if you are sinning in your behavior while you do it.

-"Don't Make Me Count to Three" by Ginger Plowman is my favorite resource for training small children.

-A busy child is a happy child. Don't let your kids wander around the house for hours on their own and then wonder why they are constantly fighting and tearing things apart. Learn to structure their day (and yours- more on that next).

I can cook dinner and my kids don't tear the house apart, although I do frequently referee sibling fights. I shower every day contrary to what people told me would happen when I was pregnant with Micah. We have a reasonably clean house and they even help me clean it! You can enjoy your kids more if you teach them not to smack you or unfold the laundry you're folding or run crazy in the doctor's office waiting room. But you'll have to teach them how. It's not fair to let them do whatever they want at home and then get mad at them for doing the same in public.

2. Manage your time.
First priority is always time with God. Please don't tell me that you don't have time to read your Bible, at least a little bit, unless you NEVER check social media, watch tv, read books, or hide in your closet and eat chocolate. You can read your Bible and eat chocolate at the same time. The daily time in the Bible will transform your life and how you mother your children.

-Know your priorities. What is important for your family? This will be different for each family.

-Have a rhythm. You need to know what you should do next. We don't operate on a schedule unless we have an appointment, but we do have a rhythm to our days. Breakfast with Bible time, the baby's bath after we brush our teeth, reading while I feed the baby, audio books during quiet time. Tie the activities together and make it a habit. 

-Add one thing at a time. Put mealtimes, snacktimes, naptimes, and bedtime in your rhythm and build from there. Read for a few minutes after naptime. Clean for thirty minutes after you eat breakfast. Kids love to help. Sure it will take longer but they aren't watching tv and they are learning valuable skills.

-Change what doesn't work. If something makes you crazy, change it! This is something you do not have to get right the first time. Your rhythm will have to change as life changes- as your kids get older and stop napping, if you have another baby, when work situations change. Your rhythm may even change daily with appointments and disruptions. A rhythm is about flexibility.

-Don't waste time. You will be amazed at what you can accomplish if you don't scroll through facebook or Instagram every hour. Stop watching tv and talking on the phone. Suddenly there's time to wipe down the bathroom counters, read books with your babies, and fold the clothes. (Bonus points for wrapping the kiddos in warm towels and snuggling on the couch.)

-Ask what can be done later. Stress points come when three things need to be done at once. Decide which one has to be first and which can wait. Diapers need changed and babies need fed before about anything else. Then change out the laundry. It can be washing and drying while you play with the kids, vacuum the rug, or get ready to leave for the store.

-Adapt a cleaning scheduling. We do one area or task a day. Bathrooms one day, kitchen another (of course the kitchen gets cleaned every time we eat) vacuuming and dusting on another. Maybe you want to do most of your cleaning on one day or one evening. Find a plan and then do it. Best point for a good start to the morning? Always clean your kitchen before going to bed. Nothing makes me feel more behind than waking up to a dirty kitchen.

3. Be just yourself sometimes.
I'm a better mom when mothering is not the only thing I do. Time to just be you- and not a mom- can be captured in small moments; you don't have to have hours to devote to yourself.  Don't wait until you can do something big to do something.  You'll be amazed at the difference small chunks of time here and there can make.

- Find what energizes you and do that instead of wasting time on something you do out of habit (like facebook or tv). Draw in a sketchbook while your kids color for fifteen minutes. Read a book while you feed the baby after you put the big kids in bed. Listen to a podcast while your kids play with legos and you cook dinner.

-Date your husband. Nurturing your marriage will make all parts of your life better. Be the woman he fell in love with; you probably liked her too.

-Utilize naptime or quiet time. I don't typically clean during quiet time. I use that time for things that make me feel alive, things that I love. You do the same. Take a nap if you need to.

-Mind your friendships. Mind them as in pay attention to them. Meet a friend for coffee for an hour or two one night after the kids are in bed. But also mind them as in pay attention to their influence on you. If you hang out with friends who complain about their husbands, the kids, and the work you will not be encouraged in what you need to do.

Managing life as a mom is all about managing yourself. You have to do the work to train your kids. You have to manage your time. All of these areas are intertwined. As you manage your time better you find the time to do some things for yourself. When you train your kids they cooperate and your rhythm flows smoother. Effort in one area jumpstarts the others. These are not easy things but they are worthwhile and will benefit your family greatly.

I'm not suggesting your life should look like mine. Your priorities, your home, your rhythm will be completely different. I am interested in your being able to fulfill God's purposes for your life and that's hard to do when you are struggling to simply survive. In certain seasons of life that is unavoidable but I'm not talking about the first weeks after having a baby or when you have a child or a parent in the hospital. I mean your normal, everyday life.

This is not a comprehensive look at motherhood. Your attitude about motherhood and your children makes the biggest difference. Your attitude about the work involved in a family matters. All the logistics in the world won't overcome your bad attitude. There will always be hard days. Having a family will sometimes require more than you want to give. And that's ok as long as you do it anyway.

You can enjoy your life and your babies while they are little. But you'll have to do the work.  Forget trying to look like a good mom and do the work that benefits your family.

How do you manage life with children? Was there any one idea that changed the way you view motherhood?

Why I Changed Quiet Time (Or Five Step Decisions)

The quiet time game changed when Kevin and Micah started sharing a room. Before that Micah had quiet time in his room and Kevin napped in the nursery. Then I moved them into the same room. Micah moved to quiet time in our front hallway that's right off the living room. He loves the quiet time spot; we fix it up with a kid-sized chair, a sleeping bag, toys, and books. 

The only drawback is that my desk in directly in line of sight of the quiet time spot. This distracts me from my work (quiet time is when I do most of my writing and blogging) because I am not a good multi-tasker and it encourages Micah to be much rowdier in an effort to entertain me. So I changed what didn't work. 

I moved my workspace to the kitchen table during quiet time. It takes less than a minute to get my spot put together and to put everything away.  Micah can't see me but I can still hear him. We both get much more from the time with much less stress. 

Sometimes plans don't work the first time. We have to brainstorm new ideas and improvise with what we have. The second or third time might not work either. It might take a training period to teach everyone how to behave or use a certain setup. That's no reason to quit; it's a reason to persevere. 

Here's how I solve logistical problems around our home. 

1. Pray. That may sound silly but God cares about all parts of our lives. And since He's the one directing our thoughts it makes sense to take our problems to Him. I want to do my work with wisdom and He has all the wisdom I need. 

2. Identify the problem. Sometimes this step is the hardest. You can't solve a problem until you know what it is. My problem was that Micah could see me and he's a social child. He's fine playing for that hour by himself as long as he's not trying to get my attention. And I can't work well with that much distraction. 

3. List possible solutions. This is the place to seek counsel if you need too. I definitely asked Justin for input here; he's a wealth of good ideas. There are many other ways I could have handled this problem. I could have moved the quiet time spot. I could taught Micah to ignore me and go about his business. I could have changed the time when I wrote and worked. But the solution I picked was the most effective for the time. 

4. Try it. This time the solution works great. Sometimes it might not. If it does, wonderful! You're done until you have a new problem. If not...

5. Try something else. Pick another option and implement it for a few days. Nothing says you have to get that right the first time. (Obviously I'm not talking about big decisions like who you're going to marry, ok?)

Don't quit when you run into problems or difficulties. Work through them. Give your home and your work there the same respect you would give "a real job."