When Motherhood Isn't All You Hoped

"And just like that- he's one." 

That's what I posted on my personal facebook last Saturday. My baby turned one and this time it really was "just like that." It seemed like I turned away and that first year had just disappeared, faded between night feedings and chasing two older kids. 

I love the baby stage. I love a tiny newborn, although I'm more than happy to get out of that newly postpartum stage myself. I love a baby to cradle in my arms and wear in wraps and that starts sitting up and then crawling. I love it when he starts to grin at me when I walk into the room and the way he crinkles his nose when he smiles and tries to climb up my leg if I've been gone for a while (or if it hasn't been that long- getting snacks takes a long time in baby time). 

With this third child I even enjoyed night feedings because it was the one time I could be still and just enjoy the baby without needing to care for older children. I could stroke his head and let him snuggle against me and sleep. I had finally hit a stride nursing and wasn't as freaked out by every little thing that happened with him. It wasn't all new and that was much more comfortable. 

But it's not always "just like that." I've had other children and each experience with each child is different. Your perspective as a mom is different because you grow and change as you progress in your mothering journey. My first child was not "just like that." Looking back from here it seems like it went quickly but it didn't then. As much as I loved my baby I was overwhelmed with his care and adjusting to motherhood. 

I've also talked to other ladies. It wasn't "just like that" for a lot of them. They dealt with health issues themselves, a baby with an unexpected diagnosis, family situations, postpartum depression. As much as they desired that beautiful first year with their newborn it didn't happen. I have friends who haven't been able to have babies. I have friends who have lost babies. I have friends who have walked the darkest valleys with their kids.

It can feel like a betrayal of motherhood to admit that it's not always positive or good or easy. 

Society portrays the beautiful pictures you see on commercials for diapers and baby cream. A well-rested mother with beautiful hair is smiling at her sleeping baby who hasn't been up all night crying or nursing or spitting up.  Or society presents children as a drag, a burden that holds you back in life, and in light of that you don't feel comfortable presenting the problems lest you perpetuate that belief. 

There must be middle ground. We love being mothers. Motherhood is important. But negative emotions abound in motherhood. I talked to another mom at the library and we agreed that no matter how much you treasure your kids there are unenjoyable parts. There's a great saying- and excuse my language- "Everything sucks sometimes." It's true. Regardless of how great it is and how much you wanted it, motherhood sucks sometimes.  Sometimes we are sleep-deprived with a newborn and nothing runs well through that filter. Sometimes we are mourning the loss of our pre-baby body with no stretch marks or scars or saggy skin. Sometimes we feel the loss of our spontaneity and our freedom to run to Waffle House at midnight. 

Sometimes it's the deepest things that wear us down. Motherhood can be agony. If you've ever watched your child cling to life in the hospital you know that. In your innermost heart you've wondered if life wouldn't have been better/easier/happier if you had never had that child. You wonder how you can live if the worst does happen and your arms are empty. That's agony. It's agony to watch your child struggle with problems and differences and not know how it will turn out. There is only so much you can do as a mama. Most days it seems like there is so much you can't do. 

Emotions don't come one by one. They are a package deal and each positive one also has a negative flipside. Pregnancy is a time of beautiful expectation: planning a nursery, shopping for clothes, feeling baby kicks. It can also be a time of great fear as you wonder if the baby is ok, if you will have complications, how birth will go. Birth is miraculous and yet totally insane and usually nothing like what you expected. 

Motherhood is amazing and exhausting. There's nothing to compare to it for the good or the bad. I've gone through situations with mothering that I thought would never end and I just knew at the time that I wouldn't make it. (Obviously I did.) 

Even those milestones- just like that, he's one- are bittersweet. He'll never be that tiny baby that I held in my arms at his first doctor's appointment. That's tucked away forever a memory no matter how much I would love to pull it out and replay it. Some women find they don't even like the baby stage that well. Have you tried admitting that to someone? "I don't really like having a four-month-old; I'm glad to get that first year behind us." That's a hard thing to say; people don't always take it well. 

There is freedom in knowing that no positive emotion comes alone and rarely do the negative ones come to stay. They will roll in and out of your life depending on sleep and the day and how many people unfriended you on facebook (no, really, you shouldn't care. Let them go). 

When you are disappointed with mothering, don't give up hope. God made you a mama. He gave you that child. And while you might not like that right now- you might not like the story you are living- you are not without hope. Christ is our hope; mothering isn't. He is our promise, our anchor, our grace for a new day. 

Whether you have the life you imagined since becoming a mom or you can never picture getting that back, motherhood is not the answer. Motherhood is not your happiness. Jesus is and He can handle all the emotions that come with what He's brought you. 

Seasons change. We grow and learn. And next month motherhood will take us on a different journey. 

When I say, "just like that, he's one." I really do mean it. It feels like I barely turned around twice since I gave birth last Halloween. Yet there he is, crawling across the floor fulfilling his self-appointed job of being the human vacuum cleaner. But even in this year I've been in other stages of motherhood that weren't "just like that." They were "this feels like forever" and "I have no idea what will happen here" and "this will never end." 

If you are in one of those stages of motherhood don't give up on yourself. You're not a bad mama. God has a plan that's beyond what we can imagine. He promises that He will never quit working in our lives- or in the lives of our children. 

Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:     Philippians 1:6

Why We Don't Have to Believe in Typical Motherhood

A few months ago I read an article on Scary Mommy (which I'm not typically a fan of) that really disturbed me. The title of it was "Being a Good Mom is Making Me a Bad Wife." She described how often, when her husband comes home, she's exhausted from the work of the day and still wearing sweats. 

I felt sorry for the writer. She seemed genuine in her concern for her marriage: she wondered what it meant if her children were getting her at her best and her husband always at her worst. She mentioned how much she loved her kids and all the "good mom" stuff that she did for them throughout the day. But...

There's where I want to stop. I get frustrated when we complain about problems but aren't willing to fix them. Mothers have been raising kids for years. And before someone says that mothers had less to do then because there was no internet and no outside jobs, let's consider that they had to grow their own food and make their own clothes. I think we have it easier all things considered. 

There are two extremes in motherhood: neglecting your mothering and making your motherhood first in your life. Both are problems but we're focusing on the second one today. You are not a mama first. You are a woman, a Christian, a wife first. Your children should not be your life although they take up a good portion of your time when you are raising them. 

Life and motherhood can coexist. But it's work. We don't like work; we like shortcuts. We want a shortcut that doesn't involve slowly training our children to engage in activities that don't lead to pandemonium at dinner time. (It helps that they outgrow some toddler behaviors.) We want a shortcut that doesn't involve reigning in our own emotions and not melting down when things are overwhelming. We want a shortcut that doesn't involve taking ten minutes to change clothes and brush our hair so we feel refreshed. 

We don't have to believe in typical status quo motherhood. We don't have to make our children the center of our world, let ourselves go, neglect our marriages, and always be knee-deep in some sort of accident. Well, we might be physically but we don't have to be mentally. 

When we put our eyes on Christ, we start to remember that while we are admonished many times to teach, train, and love our children, we are not instructed to make them the center of the universe. We are not instructed to drop every bit of work to focus solely on mothering; we find no example of that in Scripture. 

Friends, I believe in the importance of mothering. You know this if you've been reading here. Hear what I'm saying: we don't have to do motherhood that way. 

We can develop an eternal perspective. Then when we are knee-deep in accidents and messes and frustrations (and we will be) we will remember that we are raising humans and this is part of the process. We will also remember that we're growing ourselves and this is part of the lesson. 

We can train our children and ourselves. We can train our children not to cry over every little thing (and yes, some kids take way longer than others). We can train ourselves to only use our phones when it's time to. We can consider alternatives when we are having problems with our schedules and rhythms of life. We can develop some rhythms of life: how do you think I write this blog? 

Pick one thing. Work on that for a week. Then the next week add something else. 

Set meal and snack times. Establish nap/quiet time. Fit everything else around those. Teach your children to help you clean for fifteen minutes right after breakfast. Teach them to sit and play with specific toys for twenty minutes while you make phone calls or update your budget or plan an instrument. 

Get out some coloring pages or play-doh or paper dolls (maybe not in my case but I loved them when I was little) and sit your kids at the table when it's time to cook dinner. Or use the Crock-Pot and go out and run around in the yard when your husband arrives home. 

Slowly teach your non-napping children to have quiet time (Pinterest is full of ideas) so that you can dabble in a project that interests you. 

Determine an amount of time you want to be on the floor playing with your kids and do it every day. Read out loud to your kids every day. 

I'm not interested in telling you how to do motherhood; I don't care if you don't follow any of my suggestions. I am interested in your considering how God wants you to do motherhood. This isn't about neglecting your children to just work all day and it's not about neglecting your responsibilities to be drug around by your kids. This will look different for each family and possibly each day. But if we're erring too far toward either side, change is possible. 

These are not easy changes. But it's too easy to complain and never change. If you aren't willing to change, stop complaining. 

We don't have to lose ourselves in motherhood. Motherhood makes us better people when we don't quit or give up. Approach motherhood with the same grace and grit you would an outside job. Would you show up in old, dirty clothes? No, you wouldn't, because that makes you feel horrible about yourself and no one takes you seriously. Maybe you have to change clothes twice in one day. Do it. Take five minutes and braid your hair or pull it up in a cute topknot. Put on some concealer and mascara. Life's not over because you have small children or children in general. This is the best training ground for yourself that you could possibly have. 

Does this mean you'll never experience frustration in motherhood? Please, do you have kids? This isn't a magic pill that will fix all the problems and create smooth sailing. But it might keep you from giving up on a life that matters. 

This isn't just me. I'm not anything special; motherhood is not naturally easy for me. I have friend after friend after friend who excels at this. They aren't perfect but they attempt change when they need too.

You can too. 

Why I Don't Blog (Much) About Our Kids

My blog, like many others, started out as a place to share about my kids- well, then just kid. See the adorableness that was baby Micah? (And that recipe is on point; don't let the bad photo turn you off. Or the bad writing.) I shared recipes occasionally as well, obviously. Gradually I started sharing what I was learning and how life was changing. Over the past two years it's turned into a serious project where I blog about faith and marriage and motherhood, how you approach your work and why today matters. 

Even though I blog about motherhood, I blog about how motherhood has changed and stretched me and not about what my kids are doing. I don't tell my frustrations in detail or share a child's name over a potty-training or attitude problem. That's why I don't regularly discuss Micah's IVA or related issues in detail either. I want to have the same respect for my kids online as I do for my husband or my best friend. I'd rather be overpicky about what I post about them. 

I follow true mom bloggers. I love it. I don't think it's wrong; it's not that I don't enjoy it. It's just not for us at this stage of life. As they get older it seems like that will be even more true. They are their own people. I want to respect that and their future on the internet. 

The internet is going to be around forever. Unless the future works out like it did in the movie Transcendence. But that's unlikely to happen so I'm going to treat it like it will be around forever. 

That means when my kids are grown they'll be able to look back and see what I said about them. Did I make fun of their problems? Did I use them for fodder for jokes and witticisms about motherhood? Did I resent the work that it was to raise them? 

Their future bosses may look them up online. What stories do I want them to find? I doubt any grown man wants his potential employer to read a story that involves the words "three-year-old" and "potty."  

So am I a mommy blogger? I don't think so, at least not any more. But I do blog about motherhood and what a profound change it's brought to my life. I expressed to someone last night that motherhood had done more to sanctify me than anything else. It was easy to think that I was an good person until I was surrounded by needy children all day. Then I realized that I'm hateful, selfish, lazy. I want to have my own way and not be inconvenienced. I want to pursue my own goals and plans and dreams and not be bothered with the "little" work that grows and grows throughout the day. Motherhood has exposed me for what I am. And it's not pretty. 

Motherhood is good for me.  Responding to the challenges of raising His children has changed me. But the stories aren't just mine. That's why they stay protected. 

Why Life Doesn't Look Like What You Expect

Occasionally I get discouraged because I don't think we are living out our days the way I would like. I picture reading books on blankets under the clouds and leisurely walks watering the garden and baking bread together. So I started thinking about what kind of day I do want to have. As I put together a picture of it I realized that we DO have the type of days I want to have. I'm just envisioning the edited, Instagram-filtered version of it and what I get is a blurry shot with an old camera. 

I don't mean that life's not good. Life is good. Hard occasionally, but good. What I do mean is that expectations and reality are never the same thing. I don't care if you're a stay-at-home mom or you just landed your dream job. I don't care if you just got married to the love of your life or had your first baby or moved to a tropical island. Expectations and reality are never the same. 

See I envision reading aloud outside laying together on a blanket, pausing occasionally to eat grapes and look for shapes in the clouds. That's not what happens. No one wants to read outside for one thing. Outside the boys want to run and fight with sticks. We read inside on the couch when I'm feeding the baby and I have to tell people not to jump on the couch and not to cry when we're not reading their book first. Expectation killed the reality. (Of course we also have  times of reading where my boys snuggle up against me and it almost kills me with perfect.) 

What I envision as a leisurely walk wearing the baby and letting chubby hands water small plants turns into "please don't step on all the vegetables," "how did you get mud in your hair?" and a wiggling baby who doesn't want to nap even if it's naptime. Expectations kill reality. 

It's not that we aren't doing the good things. We are. My kids will look back and know that we read books and took walks and watered gardens and made bread and went to the park. But if I'm not careful I can kill my contentment by focusing on what I expect life to look like instead of what it actually is. If I kill my contentment it will be easy for me to forget what I'm supposed to be doing. Instead of doing the work in front of me I'll be looking for a work that matches my expectations better. Except it's not there. I could spend my whole life jumping from one thing to another because I don't realize that reality never matches the visions in my head. 

Whenever I find that I'm disgruntled with the type of life we are living it's usually an expectations problem meshed with wow, we've had a rash of tough days. Not that life itself needs to be revamped. It's not time to jump ship and reverse everything we've been doing. Do things for a reason and keep doing them. One of my favorite quotes says, "Be sure you put your feet in the right place, then stand firm." 

We are doing the important things. We are nurturing our walks with Christ. Is it effortless? Absolutely not. I'm waking myself up to read my Bible and then apologizing when I don't obey it and asking the boys to be quiet while we read it together. We are growing in our marriage. Easy? No. It takes time and effort and conversations and forgiveness.  We are serving at church. Is it without problems? No, there are people there; people always bring problems. We are training our kids. Easy? Definitely not. But it's worth the work that we have to pour into it. 

This life before me doesn't live to my expectations. I can either stop there and look for something that does- something that doesn't exist. Or I can accept reality and embrace this path before me. 

The Beauty of Today

Yesterday I sat on the floor with my boys and played tickle games. My oldest giggles hysterically when he's tickled; it's one of my favorite sounds. I made up a silly song and sang it over and over because that's how small children are. 

Motherhood isn't all giggling. Quite a bit of time is spent cleaning up messes and correcting misbehavior. But that time I sat there with them and knew it would all be a memory one day. 

This is the time of my life. 

For some time I've been afraid that this is the best time of my life and that once it's over I'll be in despair for the rest of my life because I can't go back to it. That life will be all downhill after this.

I can't believe that's true. Even though I've looked forward to this all my life there are other things that I dream about doing one day. Now's the time to be tying shoes, folding laundry, and reading books. I'm one person and I have to do what's important with today's time. 

When this stage is over, there will be another one. Yes, I'll feel twinges of envy for people in this stage. Just like I did for some carefree college students who showed up to play volleyball while we were letting the boys play in the sand. But I'm thrilled with where I am in life and I want that at each stage. 

Life will change and it might be filled with something I don't have the time to do now. I might get to write more or draw more. I might get to coach volleyball or work with teen moms. I might get to pursue some type of creative work or serve on a mission field. I might get to play the piano more. 

Today is useful in two ways.  God is using my daily obedience for His glory right now. Today is not wasted. I am doing God's work right here in my living room and it's a glorious work.

He is also preparing me for tomorrow by the things I'm putting my time into today. I can use the little minutes to write and practice piano or I can scroll through facebook and watch Netflix. That's why I'm blogging, taking piano lessons, doing #52for2015.  That's why I'm reading as much as I can. Because this isn't just now- although now's important- it's also preparation for tomorrow. 

I will make the next stages of life wonderful or miserable by what I do now. 

God knows where my path will lead. I can dream but I can't know. I can prepare. I can hone skills and learn discipline. I can nurture relationships and grow in Christ. I can obey in this stage of life accepting it as the best time because it's where God put me. I can do everything to prepare myself to be ready for the work God has for me today and next year. I can live today in a way that I won't regret tomorrow. 

Your today counts twice. Use it well. 

6 Ways to Help a Family with a Baby in the NICU

{Micah is five today. It's been five years since his birth and his diagnosis and his NICU stay. It's something I would never choose to relive yet it's shocking that it's been so long. And it seems like lately I've had friend after friend with a baby in the hospital. You probably have too.}

The strangest sensation of the NICU was the knowledge that outside those walls the world was going on like normal. Unaware, uncaring that my heart was lying in a hospital bed fighting for his life. That my heart was barely beating because I was holding my breath in case it helped. That my heart was breathing out prayers incoherent to other people. 

While I was watching monitors other moms were putting children down for naps or going grocery shopping. People were romping around parks, watching movies, and commuting to work while I was wondering which direction life was going to go. It's an eerie feeling. 

But other people can reach you there, giving strength in what can only be weakness. Bolstering your faith with their prayers, encouraging your heart with their generosity, feeding your body with the work of their hands. 

There are things you can do to help a family in the NICU- because if the baby is there, the family is all there in one way or another. 

1. Pray. Pray specifically. Pray often. Pray for the parents. Let the family know you are praying. And then do it. Don't just say it and then forget. Do it. 

2. Offer assistance. Offer to care for older children. Offer to do laundry, drop off food, sit with the baby at the hospital. Offer to clean the house, shuttle other children to appointments, offer to sit and listen. 

3. Send money. NICU's are expensive. The sicker your baby is the more expensive it is. The expenses pile up quickly. The parents may need to stay at a hotel near the hospital or get care for their older children. They're going to need to eat. They are going to need to buy gas. (One of the neatest things we received was a gift card to the cafeteria at the hospital.)

4. Ask questions. Ask how the baby is. Ask how the mama is. Ask how the daddy is. Then listen without judgment and repeat steps one and two. 

5. Encourage the parents to take care of themselves. I remember struggling to choke down a few bites when Micah in the NICU. But a sick mama and a sick baby helps no one. They need to eat, sleep, and shower. Maybe even stand outside in the sunlight for five minutes. 

6. Keep up with events via Caring Bridge or a blog. Text, fb message, or email the family but don't expect a response. It will mean a lot to know that you asked even if they don't have the time or resources to respond promptly. 

Having a sick baby is a road that no one expects to walk. But we can all go alongside someone that's traveling it. 

Grace in Motherhood

Grace in motherhood is often talked about. "We have grace. It's ok if you have a bad day, give yourself grace. It's ok if you yell at your kids, there's grace for your mistakes. It's ok if you neglect your husband, there is grace for your marriage." All of that is true to an extent. There is grace for our sin and our mistakes. But it doesn't make it right. It certainly doesn't mean we shouldn't try to do better. We serve because of God's love not to earn God's love.  

My favorite definitions of grace is that grace is "the desire and ability to do God's will." I often need the desire to do God's will. Sometimes I just don't feel like doing whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing. I don't feel like getting up with the baby or changing another diaper or cooking dinner or scrubbing the toilets. Often I don't feel like doing the real hard work in raising my babies. I don't want to consistently discipline. I don't want to interrupt myself to deal appropriately with the issue so instead I yell. Is there grace to forgive that? Of course. Does it make it right? Does it mean I shouldn't learn to do better? Of course not. 

There's an adjective in Psalms (113:9) that's used to describe mothers. It's "joyful." I haven't found another adjective in the Bible for mothers. God never intended mothers to drag through life barely making it (although we all have our days!). Are you a joyful mother? If God gives us the desire for His work and the ability to do it, we can be joyful. We just can't do it on our own. I don't want to show motherhood to the world as a drudgery. Of course it's exhausting but so are most things worth doing. I want to be doing a work worth doing- and doing it well. 

How can we find this grace for motherhood? 

1. Pray for the desire to be a godly mother. It starts there. You have to want it. If you don't even want to be a godly mother you have a heart problem. Ask God to give you the right desires. 

2. Ask for God's help. It's foolish to think we can do this by ourselves. And if we've been a mom for more than about five minutes we realize we can't do it by ourselves. I don't know anybody deluded enough to think that they can. 

3. Learn. Ask older moms. Read books on motherhood. Try, try again. 

4. Pick one thing to work on a time. Maybe you want to stop yelling. Then work on speaking in a calm voice. But more than that work on the irritation and the anger in your heart toward your children. Of course they sin. They disobey. They make messes. That's why God gave them you. You are His gift to them to help them. 

5. Do the work. God does the work but we must do our part too. Pray for a rescue but row to shore just the same. Get up today and feed, bathe, and love the children. Do the next thing in front of you. 

Grace is what we need. We need to desire to do God's will. And then we need God's help to actually do it. 

3 Ways to Enjoy Being a Mom of Littles

Motherhood is not something I'm naturally good at. I've prayed, studied my Bible, and read a lot of material about mothering well. I've watched older moms and asked a lot of questions. Still most days I find myself asking, "God, what on earth do You want me to do with this child?"

Over the past several months I've been surprised to receive multiple comments on how comfortable motherhood looks on me and how well I handle multiple children. I'm never quite sure what to say in response and people stare like they are expecting me to spout off some magic formula. I am not superwoman. My children are not just naturally good. It takes a lot of hard work. As our pastor would say, "There is no magic spouffle dust to sprinkle over your life. You have to do the work."

The questions did make me think about how much I'm enjoying this stage of life. It has times when things get hectic or chaotic. There are times when I would love to transport myself to a beach for a day or two. I think that's true for everyone. But I love our life and think three children are much easier than one.

My best mothering advice is this- Go find an older mom with grown or mostly grown children who is living the kind of life you want to live and raising the kind of kids you want to raise. Watch her. Ask her questions. Ask her kids questions. Read good books about motherhood.

Some of you don't have have an older woman like that in your life and you're desperate to find a way to enjoy your children and your life now. Here are my top three tips on life with small children.

1. Train your children.
Your children should not be in charge at your house. You will be happier if they aren't and so will they. I hate those shirts that say things like "I'm the boss" and refer to children as brats or monsters. You can teach your kids to sit at the table and be quiet when you're talking and walk beside you at the grocery store.

The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame. Proverbs 29:15

- This will take time. You will want to quit. There are always things that I'm working on with my kids and some days I'm sure it will never stick. But it will. Don't give up.

-Practice, practice, practice. Do it over and over at home. Train at home and see the results in public. You can't wait until you're out at a restaurant to try to teach your two-year-olds to sit on their bottoms and not yell at the top of their lungs. Do it at home.

-Teach them to pick up their toys. Don't leave yourself a big mess to deal with after you put them in bed. They will get better at this as they get older and the younger ones will learn from the older ones. 

-Your tone of voice and your attitude about training your kids matters.  It is not better to train your kids in how to behave if you are sinning in your behavior while you do it.

-"Don't Make Me Count to Three" by Ginger Plowman is my favorite resource for training small children.

-A busy child is a happy child. Don't let your kids wander around the house for hours on their own and then wonder why they are constantly fighting and tearing things apart. Learn to structure their day (and yours- more on that next).

I can cook dinner and my kids don't tear the house apart, although I do frequently referee sibling fights. I shower every day contrary to what people told me would happen when I was pregnant with Micah. We have a reasonably clean house and they even help me clean it! You can enjoy your kids more if you teach them not to smack you or unfold the laundry you're folding or run crazy in the doctor's office waiting room. But you'll have to teach them how. It's not fair to let them do whatever they want at home and then get mad at them for doing the same in public.

2. Manage your time.
First priority is always time with God. Please don't tell me that you don't have time to read your Bible, at least a little bit, unless you NEVER check social media, watch tv, read books, or hide in your closet and eat chocolate. You can read your Bible and eat chocolate at the same time. The daily time in the Bible will transform your life and how you mother your children.

-Know your priorities. What is important for your family? This will be different for each family.

-Have a rhythm. You need to know what you should do next. We don't operate on a schedule unless we have an appointment, but we do have a rhythm to our days. Breakfast with Bible time, the baby's bath after we brush our teeth, reading while I feed the baby, audio books during quiet time. Tie the activities together and make it a habit. 

-Add one thing at a time. Put mealtimes, snacktimes, naptimes, and bedtime in your rhythm and build from there. Read for a few minutes after naptime. Clean for thirty minutes after you eat breakfast. Kids love to help. Sure it will take longer but they aren't watching tv and they are learning valuable skills.

-Change what doesn't work. If something makes you crazy, change it! This is something you do not have to get right the first time. Your rhythm will have to change as life changes- as your kids get older and stop napping, if you have another baby, when work situations change. Your rhythm may even change daily with appointments and disruptions. A rhythm is about flexibility.

-Don't waste time. You will be amazed at what you can accomplish if you don't scroll through facebook or Instagram every hour. Stop watching tv and talking on the phone. Suddenly there's time to wipe down the bathroom counters, read books with your babies, and fold the clothes. (Bonus points for wrapping the kiddos in warm towels and snuggling on the couch.)

-Ask what can be done later. Stress points come when three things need to be done at once. Decide which one has to be first and which can wait. Diapers need changed and babies need fed before about anything else. Then change out the laundry. It can be washing and drying while you play with the kids, vacuum the rug, or get ready to leave for the store.

-Adapt a cleaning scheduling. We do one area or task a day. Bathrooms one day, kitchen another (of course the kitchen gets cleaned every time we eat) vacuuming and dusting on another. Maybe you want to do most of your cleaning on one day or one evening. Find a plan and then do it. Best point for a good start to the morning? Always clean your kitchen before going to bed. Nothing makes me feel more behind than waking up to a dirty kitchen.

3. Be just yourself sometimes.
I'm a better mom when mothering is not the only thing I do. Time to just be you- and not a mom- can be captured in small moments; you don't have to have hours to devote to yourself.  Don't wait until you can do something big to do something.  You'll be amazed at the difference small chunks of time here and there can make.

- Find what energizes you and do that instead of wasting time on something you do out of habit (like facebook or tv). Draw in a sketchbook while your kids color for fifteen minutes. Read a book while you feed the baby after you put the big kids in bed. Listen to a podcast while your kids play with legos and you cook dinner.

-Date your husband. Nurturing your marriage will make all parts of your life better. Be the woman he fell in love with; you probably liked her too.

-Utilize naptime or quiet time. I don't typically clean during quiet time. I use that time for things that make me feel alive, things that I love. You do the same. Take a nap if you need to.

-Mind your friendships. Mind them as in pay attention to them. Meet a friend for coffee for an hour or two one night after the kids are in bed. But also mind them as in pay attention to their influence on you. If you hang out with friends who complain about their husbands, the kids, and the work you will not be encouraged in what you need to do.

Managing life as a mom is all about managing yourself. You have to do the work to train your kids. You have to manage your time. All of these areas are intertwined. As you manage your time better you find the time to do some things for yourself. When you train your kids they cooperate and your rhythm flows smoother. Effort in one area jumpstarts the others. These are not easy things but they are worthwhile and will benefit your family greatly.

I'm not suggesting your life should look like mine. Your priorities, your home, your rhythm will be completely different. I am interested in your being able to fulfill God's purposes for your life and that's hard to do when you are struggling to simply survive. In certain seasons of life that is unavoidable but I'm not talking about the first weeks after having a baby or when you have a child or a parent in the hospital. I mean your normal, everyday life.

This is not a comprehensive look at motherhood. Your attitude about motherhood and your children makes the biggest difference. Your attitude about the work involved in a family matters. All the logistics in the world won't overcome your bad attitude. There will always be hard days. Having a family will sometimes require more than you want to give. And that's ok as long as you do it anyway.

You can enjoy your life and your babies while they are little. But you'll have to do the work.  Forget trying to look like a good mom and do the work that benefits your family.

How do you manage life with children? Was there any one idea that changed the way you view motherhood?

10 Benefits of Being a Third-Time New Mom

When I took Caleb to his first doctor's appointment two weeks ago a nurse commented on how comfortable I seemed with motherhood. I gave my only honest answer, "It's a lot easier with the third than the first."

New mommyhood has its difficult parts regardless of how many times you've done it. Even if it's an easier delivery than your first, you still have some major recovering to do. And the hormones- oh my- let's just settle those down as quickly as we can, ok? I'm really cold, unless I'm hot; which means I'm taken my sweatshirt on and off about fifty times every day the past three weeks! 

But there are some major benefits to having done this twice before.

1. Babies aren't quite as mysterious. It still leaves me in awe that suddenly there's another little person who is dependent on our family and we are taking him home. But I've had a baby before so it's not the same learning curve. I know how to wash a baby, change a baby's diaper, not freak out when they cry, nurse a baby, swing the diaper bag into the car seat and carry it on one arm and the baby with the other. It's second nature instead of a foreign language you never learned and suddenly have to use to communicate. 

2. It all comes to pass and you know it. The baby will eventually sleep more. The hormones die down. Your hair even stops falling out. You find a new normal. And you can remind yourself of that in the hectic moments because you've done it before. 

3. You don't need as much stuff. The baby needs some clothes, diaper and wipes, a place to sleep, a car seat, and some blankets. I also love a baby wrap. But beyond that a little baby doesn't need much more besides love and cuddles. Oh, and food. They definitely eat frequently. 

4. You have built-in little helpers. Now sometimes this can be more of a curse than a blessing but I would rather my older boys were too enthusiastic about the baby than resenting him. Thankfully both my boys have been very excited about their little brother and are eager to help. I enjoy the different ages of my kids and find it to be mentally engaging. (Did I mean exhausting?)

5. Going anywhere with just one child seems amazingly easy. When I took Caleb to his doctor's appointment it was a breeze to leave the house with just myself and the baby. Now when I only had Micah I felt overwhelmed to imagine going anywhere with both of us. Look how far we've come. 

6. You do things with the third you would never have dreamed of doing with your first. We took the boys to the park when Caleb was just 11 days old because it appeared to be the last pretty day of the year. I held Caleb on one arm while he slept and pushed Micah on the swings with the other arm. I would never have done something like that with my first. 

7. You enjoy the baby more. You know how quickly the baby is going to grow up. I'm enjoying newborn snuggles and squeaks and even those middle of the night feedings are more precious because I can sit and hold him and not need to care for anyone else right then. 

8. You see the importance of self-care. With my other two babies, it was easy to write off my needs to take care of the children. Now of course I'm caring for the children, but I've learned that I'm still a person and I need to respect that.  I respect it so much that I'm getting a (free!) postpartum massage that our hospital offers. Doesn't that sound amazing? Take the time to care for your physical and emotional needs. Spend time with adults, squeeze in a nap, care for your recovering body. If you wear yourself out you can't properly care for anyone else. 

9. You have an increased appreciation for marriage. I realize that not everybody is in my ideal situation when they see that positive pregnancy test. Justin and I have been thrilled to welcome each of our sons to our family. The shared experiences of pregnancy, birth, and adjusting our family have only caused us to grow closer. This is not always the case. I appreciate our marriage more as I see the reactions and attitudes toward pregnancy and babies that some people chose to have. 

And perhaps my favorite part of a new baby?

10.  You get a renewed vision for motherhood. Something about holding that tiny infant reminds you of the awesome responsibility that loving and training a little one is. And not just that little one but the others already in your home. It softens my mama heart and I often need that. 

I did have a difficult entry into motherhood the first time. Almost anything is easier than NICU's, helicopter rides, and a rare disorder. This has probably colored my viewpoint of first time motherhood since I now almost feel sorry for people who are having their first baby. I would assume that some people adjust well to first-time motherhood. 

With all that, I don't feel any more overwhelmed with three children than I did with just one. There are some times, even entire weeks, when I want to pull out my hair and go on a vacation. I had days like that with just one child. Matter of fact, I had days like that before I had children. Maybe I'm the common denominator in those situations and not my boys. 

Motherhood is much more comfortable now than it was before and I enjoy it a lot more too. How about you? Did you adjust well to motherhood the first time or was it a learning curve you didn't expect? 

Why Your Disciplinary Attitude Matters

I don't usually read the Bible specifically thinking about the different roles of my life; instead I try to let God speak to my heart however He wants. The Bible is so rich that God can show me many different things from one verse depending on what I need during that reading. Earlier this month I was reading Proverbs 3 and had a verse speak to my mothering. 

For whom the Lord loveth he correcteth; even as a father the son in whom he delighteth. Proverbs 3:12

The verse before that tells us not to get tired of God correcting us because it's a sign of His love; it's a sign that we belong to His family. You've heard it said before that you don't discipline and instruct other people's kids, you teach your own. Why? Because of the motive behind our discipline. 

There are some really bad reasons to discipline and I think they are typically why we discipline. 

We discipline because

1. Our child's behavior annoys/frustrates us. 

2. Our child's behavior embarrasses us. 

3. Other people will think we are a bad mom if we don't. 

4. Our child's behavior inconveniences us in some way. 

In other words, we make discipline all about how we feel. "I can't stand that you do that so I'm going to correct this behavior." And do we ever say- or feel- that calmly? I doubt it. That's the "I'm about to blow my top; watch out world" reaction. And it's not proper for discipline. 

Why should we discipline? We should discipline because we delight in these children that God has given us. We don't want to teach them that sin is ok and they should tolerate it in their lives. We want to teach them that obedience is the way to blessing. Knowing "why" we discipline affects "how" we discipline. We should discipline out of love, not out of annoyance or frustration or anger. 

Do I have this down? Of course not! I don't read my Bible for blogging ideas. I read my Bible for God to speak to my heart about issues in my life. Internalizing this verse will help in several ways.

1. It will help us be consistent. If we are disciplining because our child's behavior annoys us there are plenty of times we can ignore the behavior. Maybe it only annoys us when we are tired or trying to do something so that's the only time we discipline for it. What does that teach our children? That sin is ok sometimes. And that they need to watch our mood to stay out of trouble. Not the message I want to send my kids. I want them to know that sin is sin every time regardless of what I'm doing or how I feel. 

2. It will help us be calm. We're not disciplining because we simply can't stand something any longer. That causes us to blow up in anger and damage our children. Instead we can discipline calmly. Calm discipline helps remind the child that the consequence is the result for their sinful action and not the result of how Mama feels right then. Also it is much easier to be calm when you are remembering that you are disciplining because you love that child and want the best for their life not because they are driving you crazy (although they might be!). 

3. It will help us not give up. Sometimes teaching and discipline seems to accomplish nothing. We work on the same habits day after day after day and it seems to make no difference. But then, all of a sudden, it starts to click. What if you had given up two weeks before? Sticking it out because you delight in the child and want them to learn God's ways will always pay off. It just might take a while. Love will give you perseverance. 

I try not to blog a lot about how to raise or train our children. That's because I know so little and our children are so young. But God's Word and principles are always true. I've seen it lived out in the lives of several "older" families. God's ways always work- even if they are a lot more work!